I have plenty of horror stories from various boyfriends in the last three years of college. Now that I am a senior, it's fun to look back on all the tragedies and also to come to the conclusion that dating in college is not easy. Every twenty something doesn't know what he or she wants, and we're all running around like chickens with their heads cut off. I feel like what I want changes on a daily basis, and it doesn't help that I have no idea who I am yet. And that's okay. Also forewarning, this article is completely sarcastic, I don't actually believe in these tips. So please don't attempt. :)
1. ALWAYS wait at least four hours to reply to text messages.
Better yet, wait four days. When he asks why you took so long to reply, just say "Oops sorry I fell asleep." One of two things will happen. One, he will wonder what you were actually doing, and the mystery will drive him crazy thus wanting you even more. Or two, he will think you are odd for sleeping for four days straight, but will still be intrigued. Either way, you're winning. Duh.
2. NEVER say how you really feel about them!
We live in the day and age of the hook up culture, the no-strings-attached type of deal. Once you say the L word, even worse, that you like someone, it's game over. They will find you clingy and leave you. Three months into seeing them, even if it's on a daily basis, DON'T tell them how you feel. You will live in constant curiosity of what the actual hell is going on, but hey you're playing it cool. They will think you're a cool chick and they will keep taking advantage of the situation. Again, winning right?
3. Cut certain terms out of your vocab, completely.
DO NOT mention the words: dating, love, feelings, break up, like, and most importantly RELATIONSHIP. Like I mentioned previously, we live in the hook up culture. Don't feel like hooking up? Cool. Respect yo self, I feel that. But don't act like you are trying to date either. That's a major no no.
4. Make it seem like you are playing the field, even though you are binge watching Netflix alone every night.
What is monogamy!!?? Most twenty sometimes act as if they can't even comprehend the term, so why should you? Play it cool. Don't send signals that they are the only other person you are talking to, even if they are. Please don't use this tip if you are actually in a committed relationship, cheating is not cool.
5. LEAVE YOUR EX IN THE PAST!!!
Those 3 am booty calls? No. Block that boy. Cut ties. You are an i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t woman that don't need no man, including your ex. They don't respect you, their soul purpose is to mess up your life. Even if you are talking to someone or not, just let em go.
6. "Hey, are we like, talking now!!??"
Talking (verb): the stage after going on 3-4 dates, moving into a relationship. In this stage of millennial, or college, dating you aren't really allowed to talk/hang out/see anyone else even though you aren't officially dating.
Just don't even bring it up. This is when the situation most likely will get sticky, and the boy will gasp for freedom.
7. Make sure you significantly stalk your Tinder/Bumble/Hinge date before meeting them in person.
I'm actually being serious about this one. The amount of horror stories I've heard from dating apps is flabbergasting. Make sure you get a feel for their height/weight/occupation/religion/social life so that you have some talking material. Hey, even google their criminal history to make sure they aren't going to kill you after the date.
8. Once you're seeing someone from a dating app, DON'T say you met on that app.
Looking for a good go to story on how you met? Use the examples below:
"So like, one time I was in the produce isle and I just couldn't find a ripe avocado! This nice man asked me if I needed help after groping avocados for a solid fifteen minutes and the rest is history!"
"I was trying to find a parking spot at the mall and I saw this tall man in a polo standing on the sidewalk. I could have sworn he was valet so I pulled up next to him and asked him how much. He laughed and now we are getting married!"
9. Just ghost them.
Dating is nonexistent in this age, let's be real. Have fun, be young, and once things get weird just ghost em. It's so common these days, why not right? I feel like people have become immune to it. You have something great, you have a lot of fun with this person, but you don't know what's the deal with them when you aren't around. So just ghost and live your life. Get a solid career, be a bad b!%@^ and wait till your thirties to settle down.
