I know that I am not the only one who slowly backs up toward the door when I hear someone in front of me order a "venti, skinny, vanilla, nonfat, latte with whip cream, caramel drizzle, and an extra shot of espresso". I'm not even sure if that drink makes sense but I AM sure that those varsity Starbucks players out there have ordered drinks far more complex than anything I could possibly make up.

I don't deserve to feel like a lost soul every time I enter the doors to the green and white kingdom we know and love. I decided to take matters into my own hands. For all you wanna-be coffee connoisseurs out there: we're in this together.

The Espresso:

Strong tasting, finely ground coffee beans. Essentially the skeleton of all other fancy coffee drinks. It's kind of a big deal.

The Latte:

Espresso, steamed milk, very light layer of foam on top. Aka, the skeleton with a little flesh added to it. (I'm done with the skeleton analogy from here on, I promise). Milkier than Cappuccino.

The Cappuccino:

Rule of thirds!! 1/3 espresso, 1/3 steamed milk, 1/3 foam. Basically the "alpha" Latte, because the milk is not only steamed, but frothed to form that thick layer of foam that the baristas draw pretty pictures in.

The Macchiato:

Espresso with a tiny bit of milk. For those lactose intolerant folks, this one's for you. That doesn't mean skip your lactose pills because, well, you know.

Not to be confused with the Latte Macchiato which is the opposite: Steamed milk with a small amount of espresso on top... are you still with me?? Hang in there.

The Americano:

Espresso diluted with hot water. Basically the training wheels to strong Italian coffee. Baby steps, people.

The Flat White:

Espresso and steamed milk. No froth! Otherwise that would be a Latte...duh.

Based on Jerry Seinfeld's reaction, we can assume that upon sipping, he is surprised by the foamy sensation in his mouth. In which case, he is drinking a cappuccino! KNOWLEDGE!

P.S.: All actual coffee connoisseurs reading this are kindly asked to order their drinks in a softer voice to avoid coffee distress among those still learning the ropes. Be considerate.