My fellow Americans, we have a bit of a situation on our hands. No, it isn’t the state of the economy, national anthem protests, or the fact that we are in the middle of the most controversial presidential election in the history of this country. If you’ve checked the media, it seems that the biggest problem our country is currently facing involves clowns. Freaking clowns.
If you haven’t been watching the news or following along with social media, AKA living your life, basically there’s a bunch of people walking around from sea to shining sea dressed as clowns brandishing knives and making threats to schools. These aren’t happy go lucky clowns either; I’m talking twisted demented John Wayne Gacy looking clowns. So naturally, people are freaking out.
There’s a theory out there that suggests that this is all an elaborate promotional and marketing tactic for the remake of Stephen King’s “It”. (Which would admittedly be pretty genius) However, this has been largely shut down, especially since this has caused school districts to close. For most it just seems like that with the beginning of October, as the weather starts to turn, the countdown to Halloween has begun. So, it’s most likely just a bunch of psychopaths losers getting a little too into the holiday spirit.
And therein lies the problem.
I’ve always been a fan of Halloween. It’s definitely one of my favorite holidays. But it’s admittedly changed over the years. When you’re younger, it’s all about dressing up like something “scary” and hunting for candy at a bunch of stranger’s houses. But as you get older and hit the college age and beyond it becomes all about dressing in something hilarious/revealing and hunting for booze and a “partner” of the opposite sex; or the same sex, it’s 2016 so no judgments here.
As big of a fan of Halloween as I am, I’ve never been a horror film fan. I don’t like being startled. That’s the worst. While I am a big fan of American Horror Story, I’m always watching with at least one other person, and if I’m alone, I’m usually sipping on some sort of adult beverage. Liquid courage baby. But clowns have always been creepy to me. I don’t have an outright fear for them like a lot of people, but I’m also not a supporter of their craft, to the point that I’ve always had the thought in my mind that Ronald McDonald was up to no-do-goodery.
So now, with these douchecanoes walking around, the fun of Halloween is ruined. A lot of parents probably won’t want their kids walking around unsupervised, and anyone else with coulrophobia (the fear of clowns, look it up) may be hesitant about leaving the house as well. I have to be honest; I’m a little gun-shy about the idea myself. What you think the idea of me to stumbling home or waiting for an uber in the dark with a bunch of clowns walking around in the dark is appealing to me? No way Jose. Well not alone anyway. Strength in numbers.
Halloween is supposed to be one of the few times a year where people can go out unattended dressed like morons and have fun just living life before stressing since it’s the fast track to Christmas with Thanksgiving wedged in there. But now these bozos have to go and try and ruin it for everybody. See what you did by giving Charlie Brown all of those rocks years ago? Well, guess what now he’s out for revenge so way to go parents.
But in all sincerity, there hasn’t been any reported murders or injuries caused by these clowns. However there have been people beating the clowns, and one even got shot in Indiana, which poses the question: just what the hell did they think was going to happen? Oh let’s go out dressed like something a lot of people fear, but don’t worry, I’m sure we won’t get the piss beaten out of us. People have guns, and they aren’t afraid to show it. It’s one of the many reasons this election is so chaotic.
So thanks a lot, asshats. Whether you cause anyone harm or not, you’ve already ruined Halloween for everyone in the beginning of October (P.S. happy belated October 3rdMean Girls fans) just by being total dweebs. Then again, there’s still the very good chance this is all blown out of proportion, like most quasi-epidemics in the U.S. of A. The entire country will still get drunk/sugar high, like Y2K, and the clowns do nothing, and then go walking around and making threats on Twitter dressed as undead pilgrims, natives and giant turkeys around Thanksgiving. Get a life clowns.
So basically do what you would normally do, and go about your lives and have a fun and safe Halloween, there is no need to give in to their wants and show fear. That's how the terrorists win, and we can't have that. 'Murica.
