I’m alone. It’s dark. I’m shivering in an endless night that seems to be painted with the darkness of the souls around me. They’re everywhere and they’re screaming my name. They’re yelling at me to wake up from this nightmare that I’m having, but I know they’re lying.
I’m not sleeping, I’m awake. My eyes are wide open, and they’ve been open now for the past 34 hours. It’s almost been two days since I’ve gotten sleep, but that’s because I don’t remember when I fall asleep anymore.
The last time I remember falling asleep on my own was two weeks ago before my last panic attack. Work has been getting to me lately. I’m not used to being so stressed for so long. My lungs burn at the thought of entering that corporate office again… so I haven’t.
I haven’t been at work now for two weeks. I haven’t had peaceful sleep in two weeks. Instead, I’ve had this empty room filled with invisible voices that whisper awful things in my ears. I know when my body falls captive to unconsciousness when my head is filled with nightmares of what the voices tell me I’ve done.
The last nightmare I remember was so vivid… I was being chased by this terrifying creature. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, it was actually a man with this striped shirt and baggy bright pants. His hair was wild, it stuck up in the back and on the sides. His skin was a pale, ghost white and his eyes and nose were darkened. You could see his lurking smile from 100 feet away because he colored it in with this deep red paint.
He was a clown.
Before I left work, people were talking about these clown terror attacks on different universities across the nation. They have been terrifying our countries youth and attacking them all in clown costumes. It’s genius I think. Clowns are supposed to be a beacon of joy and comedy. They are supposed to bring happiness to all, however now they are bringing horror. People have been on the look out for these clowns in the woods, on the street… They won’t find them there, though.
…and all of a sudden I find myself outside in the dead of night. I’m running. It’s pouring rain and I’m looking for shelter. The clothes I’m wearing are so thick but they’re being soaked through by this torrential downpour…
…then my eyes open. There is this bright yellow light flooding in from the windows and it washes over my body. I check the clock on the wall and it’s past noon. I must have been out for several hours then. I push my body up to realize that I’m lying in a puddle.
That really did happen then. It wasn’t a dream. I was running in the rain outside in the woods behind my house. But, why? What was I doing there?
“Monster”
…they were shouting at me again.
That word has been whispered into my ears for days now. Monster. That’s what they want me to think I am.
“Wake up”
…they were growing louder.
I look around the apartment and it’s still a mess, but this time I see something I haven’t seen before and it’s a piece of clothing. It’s a young girl’s blue hoodie.
“That’s not real…” I mutter as I stand up and stumble over to where it lay on my book shelf. But it is and it’s soaked.
“You did this”
…Another voice. Another fake voice.
“Oh, will you stop?” I mumble as I drop the hoodie to the ground. When I hear the sopping wet fabric hit the floor I look down at it by my feet, but it’s not there anymore. “I told you it’s not real. Stop playing tricks on me.”
“YOU’RE A MONSTER”
“SHUT UP!” I scream at the top of my lungs and turn to the voice knowing whole- heartedly that no one will be there. No one ever is.
There he was, though. My brother. He was standing there with his clothes just barely dried and there was this look of disgust in his eyes.
“What do you want, I haven’t seen you in weeks,” I growl at him as I walk across the room to the kitchen. I open the fridge, but there’s no food in there.
“You left your front door open, so I walked in. Where have you been? Your work started calling mom and me to see where you’ve been.” He watches me as I search the drawers of the empty refrigerator. I move my search up to the freezer now and find a bag of frozen peas, freezer burned burgers, and a bottle of whiskey. I take out the frozen peas and whiskey.
“I quit.” I start boiling water in a pot and enough awkward silence has passed for me to dump the peas in the hot water, pop open the bottle of alcohol and start drinking. I’m three slurps in when he speaks again.
“There’s a girl missing in the area, Will.” He tells me. “Her name is Carly Silva, she’s eight years old, she was wearing a blue-“
“The little girl abducted by the clown in the news, yeah I know all about it. All they talked about at work.” I take another swig as I poke around the pot with a dirty wooden spoon I took out of the sink. “What about her?”
“People are still looking for her… You not being at work after that abduction doesn’t help-“
“You think I took that little girl?” I could feel my blood becoming as hot as the steam from the pot on the stove. “Kenny… I haven’t slept in weeks, really slept in weeks. I’m exhausted, my anxiety is through the roof and you’re going to tell me that you think I took that little girl?”
“Your therapist has been wondering where you’ve been too. Your prescription is up and you haven’t been in to get it refilled.” Kenny was right. I can’t even remember the last time I left the house, let alone got a prescription filled out.
“Ken…” I turned the oven off, “Why are your clothes wet?”
Kenny was silent as I poured the peas into a strainer over the sink and spooned half of them into a bowl. A minute had passed as I waited for an answer. I turned to look at him, but he was gone. I went to open the front door to see if he walked out fast enough for me not to notice, but when I jiggled the handle it was locked.
I looked at the clock on the wall. It was five o’clock. The last time I checked the clock it was 1:30. The autumn sun that leaked it’s light into the room was now a deep orange as the sun was setting. How did all that time pass?
I looked down at my peas and they were all devoured already. I don’t remember eating them.
“What’s happening?” I started grasping at my memory for more and more images of the last four hours but nothing came up.
Maybe I read the clock wrong when I woke up? Maybe I never made the peas in the first place? But why was I holding a bowl, why was there an empty bag of peas on the stove? Why was the sun setting so fast?
Where was Kenny? That’s what I needed to figure out. Where was Kenny and why did he come here? I plopped down on the couch, my head between my knees. Think. Think. Think. My eyes were snapped shut as I started pondering on a solution. Do people really think I took that little girl from the news?
When I opened my eyes the wet, blue hoodie was at my feet.
“No…” I picked it up, I smelled it. It smelled and felt like dirt. But it also had streaks of red on it… like clay.
Red clay. I started moving faster than I ever had in weeks. I quickly put my sneakers on. I knew where red clay was; it was by the river in the woods behind my house.
My feet were flying. My fingers felt numb as they grasped the blue hoodie. This must have been hers. What have I done? When I finally reached the river I heard a million voices calling my name. Usually, I ignore them, but this time the tone was different. They were beckoning me to go somewhere. Where?
Eyes scanning, neck jerking in all directions, I had no idea where to go until I heard one particular voice.
“Will” a little girl called. “I’m right here, Will…”
That was her.
There was a big tree with a hole hollowed out in the center of it and in the middle was something blue. I reached into the hole and grabbed at it only to take out the blue hoodie I was already holding. The chorus of laughter filled the forest as I crouched on the floor in agony.
“STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD!” I screamed. “WHERE IS SHE?”
My eyes opened and I was in the same place, but now it was dark. The sun had set already and my body was shivering from the night’s cold. How long had I been there for?
I looked around, trying to find an answer. Instead, I found the creature, the tall man with the striped shirt and the bright pants. His glowing white skin against the darkened nose and eyes…and his red smile. It was the clown.
Out of complete terror, I wanted to run immediately, but with all of my rage, I charged at this monster. He reached for something in his pocket, a weapon I’m sure, but I got to him too quick. I started knocking his body against mine forcing him to the ground. My teeth tore into his cheek as I clawed at his throat. I began punching his face over and over again with all my strength. His eyes, his nose, his jaw were doused in blood, both his and mine. After he stopped fighting back I realized it was because he was unconscious. Or dead, I wasn’t sure which yet. To make sure I reached into the clown’s pocket and stabbed him again and again in his stomach until his stripped shirt was dark with blood.
Stumbling up from the ground, I looked around the forest. It was quite. The voice had stopped. All but one…
“Will, what did you do?” I whipped around to see in place of the clown my brother Kenny. His whole body covered in blood as he wept, fighting to stand up.
“Kenny? What happened to you?” I refused to believe that I did that. It was dark I couldn’t see properly… How was I supposed to know that was Kenny? Right... Right?
“You did this!” my brother weakly shouted at me through a mouth full of blood. "I can get you to a hospital!” I grabbed his arm and lifted him up, “I didn’t know it was you! You looked like that clown, Ken! How was I supposed-"
I fell down onto my knees as my body shook from fatigue. The sun was slowly rising, and my stripped shirt was coated in blood. My blood.
Where did Kenny go? How long have I been here lying on the cold, damp forest floor? How long have I been bleeding for? Why were my bright pants soaked in dirt and blood? I looked down at my side and saw the blue hoodie… and saw the bloody knife stuck in my side.
“Monster” I shouted…
“Wake up” I cried…
“You did this,” I muttered as my eyes started to take longer blinks. My eyelids grew heavy. Sleep was finally coming…
