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A Closed Letter To Brendon Pearlman

If anyone else reads this closed letter, I will be so mad.

Jake Peabody

Mar 13, 2017

Northeastern University

Tablet

Hey Brendon, just wanted to say a couple things.

First of all, I will be real mad if anyone else reads this letter. If anyone dares to break this sacred seal, there will be hell to pay.

I figured this was easier than buying envelopes, buying stamps, walking across the street to the post office, and then having to walk BACK across the street. Sometimes the elevator takes like 30 seconds to reach my floor and I just don't have that kind of time. A little ridiculous if you ask me.

I would like to repeat again that if your name is not Brendon Pearlman, you are entering illegal territory. At no point did I say you had any right to read these words.

Plus I haven't really figured out how to actually close the envelope. Do you really lick the paper? Because that seems kind of strange and I'm not sure why anyone would willingly do that.

I tried to email this to you but I lost all the passwords to my 5 different email accounts. I really don't know how that could've happened. You think eventually I would have guessed the right password to at least one of them, right? I guess that's the downside to creating passwords based on the first object you see when typing them. I could've sworn "PaperTowelHolder123" would work on one of them but nothing.

BEWARE! IF YOU ARE NOT BRENDON PEARLMAN, TURN BACK NOW OR I WILL ALERT THE AUTHORITIES! I AM CONSTANTLY REFRESHING THE VIEWS THIS LETTER HAS! I WILL FIND YOU!

I would've texted you but I dropped my iPhone in the Charles while fly-fishing (BEWARE, POLICE! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO READ THIS LETTER! IF YOU CHARGE ME FOR ILLEGAL FLY-FISHING, I WILL SUE FOR ILLEGALLY BREAKING AND ENTERING INTO MY LETTERS!). I rescued the phone and ran to put it in rice to dry it out but the closest rice was Amelia's and I just kept eating the rice. I would shove the phone in the rice and then accidentally eat it and have to get more rice. I spent 200 dollars on rice and it is safe to say that the phone is definitely broken.

I'm currently using my estranged uncle's computer to send this important message across the only means of communicating I could possibly think of (POLICE: DO NOT READ! BUT IF YOU HAVE COMMITTED THESE ACTS OF TREASON AGAINST ME AND CONTINUE TO DO SO, THE WINDOW WAS ALREADY BROKEN WHEN I GOT HERE).

Anyways, Brendon can you get a gallon of 1% on the way back to the apartment? We ran out and now all we've got is skim. I'm not gonna drink the skim. Thanks.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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A Closed Letter To Brendon Pearlman

If anyone else reads this closed letter, I will be so mad.

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No, I can't help you.

1. When a customer wants to return a product, hands you the receipt, where is printed "ALL SALES ARE FINAL" in all caps.

2. Just because you might be having a bad day, and you're in a crappy mood, doesn't make it okay for you to yell at me or be rude to me. I'm a person with feelings, just like you.

3. People refusing to be put on hold when a customer is standing right in front of you. Oh, how I wish I could just hang up on you!

4. Having the same conversations over and over again! To be honest I really don't even want to talk to you right now, or have this fake ass smile on my face!

5. Always having to have a smile on your face. I promise I'm not as happy as I may look!

6. Customers not understanding that sometimes, mistakes happen. I am a human being, we all mess up sometimes!

7. Having the boss from hell, it's their way or the highway! Even though I did my job correctly and efficiently, if I don't do it the exact way you do, I'm a piece of shit.

8. Having coworker who don't help out, who bend the rules just enough to screw you over.

9. Having to be at work after closing because a customer is taking forever and half! Not like I'd like to go home or anything!

10. Having shitty hours and more shifts than you asked for. Just because we don't have enough workers, doesn't mean I want to pick up every shift that you cant cover, oh great boss of mine!

11. Not having time for a social life. It gets old saying, "I can't I have work..." Every day of the week!

12. Having that lazy costumer who can't do anything for themselves... no please I'll get that, it's no problem at all!

It's just my face, I swear.

1. When you meet new people, they automatically assume you hate them or are rude.

2. People are constantly asking you if you're OK.

3. After being friends with someone for a while, they confess to you, "I thought you were so mean when I first met you," or, "I thought you hated me."

4. You get told to smile more, but they don't understand how scary that would be.

5. You're always labeled as seeming "judgy."

6. Passing a friend with your RBF in full force and not realizing you just shot them a death glare.

7. Being sarcastic, but everyone thinks you're outright rude.

8. Not knowing how mean you really look until you see a picture of yourself in resting face.

9. Your apologies never sound sincere because of your emotionless face.

10. Your "mad face" scares you.

11. And, lastly, people are constantly asking you if you are happy or having a good time because you look bored to death.

Please hold your blonde joke.

1. "Is Elle Woods your spirit animal?"

2. "Is that your natural hair color?"

3. "Oh wow, you get good grades at school?"

4. "You must really like the color pink!"

5. "You’re probably not into sports, right?"

6. "You must have such a bubbly personality."

7. "Your wardrobe must consist of all things preppy."

8. "What sorority are you in?"

9. "You were probably a cheerleader in high school."

10. "You look like you’re from L.A. because your hair is so light."

11. "You definitely like Pumpkin Spiced Lattes from Starbucks!"

12. "Do you actually think blondes have more fun?"

13. "You must encompass the typical “white girl” stereotype."

14. "Is that daddy’s credit card you’re using?"

15. "So all of your friends are blonde too?"

16. "I’m surprised about you; I thought you would be a lot ditsier."

The world's greatest university meets the world's greatest show.

1. When you get your acceptance letter

2. When you try to figure out how class enrollment works

3. When it’s move in day

4. When you arrive on campus and see all of the attractive people

5. FROG Week

6. When you find your squad

7. When you visit DHall (RIP) or EHall for the first time

8. When you take on way too many credits

9. When you go to your first party at JMU

10. When the rival school shows up for the homecoming game (or any game really)

11. Sunday Brunch

12. When you see the infamous “preacher” for the first time

13. The first snow day

14. Madipalooza

15. When finals week rolls around

16. When you have to say goodbye

17. And when you finally get to go back

Do you have a small get-together or throw a big bash?

1. Your family and friends ask what you want for your birthday, so you give them a list of options.

2. You're super excited about your birthday the week before.

3. Your family flies in town to celebrate with you.

4. Your siblings wake you up.

5. Your friends are so excited to be with you on your big day.

6. If you work, your office might throw a party for you.

7. For your actual party, you plan a small get-together with close family and friends ...

8. ... or large celebration with everyone you know.

9. You eat the best meal you've had in weeks.

10. You devour the first piece of cake proudly.

11. You embarrass yourself somehow.

12. You get the present you really wanted but thought no one would get you.

13. You are a little sad about getting older.

14. That feeling wears off and you realize how happy you are to have family and friends to celebrate this day with you.

15. The morning after your birthday looks something like this.

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