It's a common practice on church retreats—separating the teens into two different rooms based on their gender, sitting them down, and discussing the godly view on sex. Inherently, discussing and educating teens about the effects of sex is good. It can give teens a positive and healthy view of sex and their bodies, and how to fit sex into a Christian worldview.
...Or not.
As a teenager who has been on countless retreats in her life, via my church, my Christian school or my American Heritage Girl troop (a Christian alternative to Girl Scouts that I was a part of in my tweenage years), I have a pretty good idea of the "Christian" view of sex. Despite popular belief, Christians (or at least, Christians who are educated about that Bible thing they're occasionally told to read) do not believe that sex is evil. The Christian view of sex is that it is a beautiful, holy creation, a reflection of God's unconditional love for us, a little "piece of Heaven" so to speak. And for that reason, the Bible tells us that sex belongs within the confines of marriage. Since sex is a reflection of God's unconditional love, we believe that the only place that it should occur is in the marriage bed, with someone who has sworn his or her unconditional love to us (and vice versa) in the sight of God and the people.
With that said, the current method that many churches use to educate teenagers on the Christian view of sex is seriously flawed. Separating boys and girls—a smart maneuver, considering the nature of the material to be addressed and the discomfort associated with discussing sex in high school. (As a straight female, it's awkward enough in a room full of just other girls.) Educating them specific to their gender also helps because, by nature, men tend to have higher sex drives, especially as teenagers. Obviously, there are exceptions to this clause, but it is helpful to be able to address teenagers separately to explain to them individually the pitfalls of premature sex. However, while men may have higher sex drives, it feels too often that our churches make the mistake of believing that that equates to women having no sex drive at all.
For a long time, women's sexuality has been seriously misunderstood. While men were expected to desire sex and to pursue girls for the sake of sex, women who were caught in the act of sex or sexual activity were oftentimes banished from society—or at the very least, shamed and socially isolated. It was believed that women had sex just to please their husbands, as opposed to actually craving it or wanting it for themselves.
Men and women's reproductive systems are different (no duh). Men have a closed system, while women have an open system, meaning that women are more vulnerable to atrocities such as rape (which is not to say that men can't be raped—1 in every 33 men is the victim of sexual assault, while for women, the ratio is 1 in 6). Especially as teenagers, when women's delicate reproductive systems are still developing, girls are more at risk for STDs and for having long-term damage from STDs, damage such as scar tissue and infertility. However, that doesn't mean that women somehow don't have a sex drive. It's not a myth that teenagers have raging hormones, and that doesn't just apply to boys. Girls do, too.
Yet so often in our churches, boys' sexual escapades are explained away with "boys will be boys," while when girls experiment or have sex, they are suddenly viewed as less valuable—damaged goods. And as much as Christianity has positively progressed in many other fields, it feels like it still lags behind in its conception of women's sexuality.
At so many retreats, when girls and boys are separated, the boys hear a talk from someone telling them that they should try really hard not to masturbate, watch porn or engage in premarital sexual activity. The general idea is still, "Do your best, BUT... boys will be boys."
Not only is this a negative enough portrayal of godly sex in of itself, as boys should be held accountable no matter how strong their sexual desires, yet just one room over, girls are essentially told that if they engage in any of those same behaviors, they will essentially be worthless. Images such as a clean white sheet of paper that has been crumpled and stomped on, tape that is no longer sticky, or a present box that has been ripped and torn are all common metaphors used to describe women who have engaged in sexual activity. Furthermore, women are consistently reminded that if a boy asks them to have sex before marriage, he doesn't really love her and that men won't want to marry them if they're not virgins.
There are several major issues with these conceptions. Firstly, they're grossly inaccurate. Sometimes two people who do genuinely love each other and who truly want to grow together in the love of God make a mistake. That doesn't automatically mean that they don't really love each other; it just means they lost control and sinned, just as all of us do on a daily basis.
Secondly, it completely negates the woman's role in sex. Sure, men may have higher sex drives, but if women didn't enjoy sex, it wouldn't be an issue. Women are aroused by sex, too, and it's not always the man tempting the woman beyond her boundaries. This portrayal puts too much of the blame, unfairly, on men. More often than not, the man is the one tempting the woman, but the woman has a say in it too—not every high school sexual encounter is the result of a horny jock using his power and influence to seduce a shy, desperate girl.
And with that said, it also implies that women are not sexual beings. So many girls are afraid to even admit that they have sexual desires because there's an unspoken conception that women shouldn't even have those desires in the first place, only men.
Furthermore, it sheds light on an enormous double standard—notice that there is no mention of men needing to be virgins. "Boys will be boys," but girls will be sluts. While this double standard is prevalent in all areas of high school, not just the Church, we should hold the community that Jesus established on this earth to a higher standard. Notice that Jesus didn't tell the woman with five husbands that she was a whore, nor did he let the people stone the woman caught in adultery. He offered forgiveness and healing to both of them. While he condemned their actions, he did not condemn the women themselves. (For more, see John chapters 4 and 8.) Is it fair to tell girls to guard their virginity? Yes. But is it fair to imply that they are "used" or "broken" once they've lost it? Absolutely not. That's not what Jesus said to those two women.
Which leads into my last point—saying that women are somehow not as good once they've lost their virginity or purity is extremely hurtful to anyone in the room who isn't a virgin or isn't 100% pure and godly. The average age that women lose their virginity is 17.2 years old—which means there's a very good chance that more than one girl in the room has at least gone farther than the Bible would advise. Saying that a girl is worth less once she has sexual contact isn't going to bring her closer to God. It's going to injure her self-esteem and push her away.
(It's also worth noting that the average age that men lose their virginity is 16.9 years old, which is not that much younger than women. Men may have slightly higher sex drives, but that statistic proves that woman definitely crave sex, too.)
Is it sad to think that so many young teenagers are losing their virginity so young? Absolutely. Whatever mainstream society may advertise, there are emotional and physical consequences to sex at such a young age. But the double standard in our churches is not doing anything to reduce that number. Teenagers are rebellious. We don't respond well to strict authority or to people telling us what to do. Unless you can prove to us that there's a good reason to abstain from sex, there's a high likelihood we'll screw around and experiment. Telling us we'll be worthless is not much of an incentive, especially since the logic behind that statement is so obviously flawed.
So what's the solution?
Last November, I went on a retreat with my church that I feel exemplified the perfect way to address sex in a Christian context. Boys and girls were separated—duh—and each heard a speaker talking briefly about sex, premarital sexual contact, and the Biblical view on sex. The girls heard a deeply personal talk from a woman in her early twenties who had gone too far in high school and knew firsthand the emotional consequences of sex; afterward, she and two other women in their early to mid twenties, one of whom is the youth minister for our church, took us outside to a quiet area of the campground and accepted anonymous questions about sex. The questions ranged from "How far is too far?" to "How do I stop watching pornography?" The three women were completely open and used both the Bible and personal experience to answer our questions. To the question about pornography, one of the women admitted that pornography was something she had struggled with since high school and then explained the various methods she had developed to control her sexual desires (praying, going for a walk, calling her friends, etc.). None of the women pretended that teenage girls don't have sexual desires—on the contrary, they actually gave us advice on how to handle our sexual desires, as opposed to pretending that those desires don't exist. I know for a fact that several of the girls there were not virgins, and that talk helped them to feel God's healing power and forgiveness, as opposed to condemnation or condescension.
While I wasn't there with the boys (obviously), their sex talk was structured the same way. They were allowed to ask questions and to receive honest answers about the nature of their sexuality. It wasn't "boys will be boys"—it was, you will have sexual desires, but there are ways to tame and control them instead of giving in, and if you've already given in, there are ways to move past those desires and do better in the future.
Sex and sexual desire is a beautiful gift from God—for both men and women. The boys-will-be-boys-but-girls-will-be-sluts mentality is an exceptionally twisted and damaging view of sex; not only does it take away accountability from guys for controlling their sexuality, but it unfairly shames the sexual desires of teenage girls and women in general. Guys do have higher sex drives than women, and it is true that women oftentimes have more physical and emotional consequences from sexual encounters outside of marriage than men. However, that doesn't negate the fact that women—especially teenage girls—do still crave sex. Making us feel weird or different for a perfectly normal aspect of our lives and bodies does nothing but push us away from God. Instead of implicitly condemning those desires, it's time we as the Christian community addressed them and adequately educated girls on the biblical perception of sex.
