Okay, maybe "Late-aholic" isn't an appropriate term. That sort of implies that I enjoy being late to things...so much so that I'm addicted to it.
That's not even kind of true.
I've been trying to convince myself that I am not someone who shows up late. I've been living a lie, honestly. However, it is NOT a lie that I take punctuality seriously. Showing up late is a sign of disrespect and it's an impression I've been giving off unintentionally. Even if it's somewhere I don't really want to go, the mere fact that I got there at all is because of the respect I have for the people I'm working with and the respect I have for my obligations.
My actions have not been reflecting how I view my responsibilities or how seriously I take the damage I've done to my integrity by letting myself form this ridiculous habit.
I want so badly to change this, but I certainly can't do that if I don't freaking ADMIT that this has become a problem.
Firstly, I want to extend an apology to literally anyone--ANYONE--I have unintentionally disappointed by arriving late. It breaks my heart to think of how rude I've been to those I care about by not honoring the agreement to BE PUNCTUAL. I genuinely do not think I can say or emphasis the word "UNINTENTIONAL" enough.
I'd like to offer an explanation with the disclaimer that this is NOT AN EXCUSE, it is an explanation for my terrible behavior, because you all deserve one. I mean this completely sincerely. I have not been emotionally well. I hate how that sounds. But it's completely true, I swear. I've reached new levels of exhaustion for no discernible reason. I've spent so much time sitting in various places doing absolutely nothing but staring into space.
Even when I make plans or have things I really want to do, I imagine the steps I have to take to get things done, but I don't move. I don't know how best to explain it, but I genuinely feel like I am not capable of moving. I'm awake, alert and I know what I have to do, but I don't move a muscle. I just sit, and stare. Even if it's something simple, like planning time to sit and read...I can't bring myself to open the book.
I just sit.
No moody music, no stereotypical emotional breakdowns, nothing you'd expect....just nothing.
So, I am so sorry. I don't like this. I hate it, actually. This is a flaw that I have never had before. I used to be early for everything. I used to plan things so specifically--like obnoxiously so. I used to get all of my homework done on a Friday night so I could have the rest of the weekend free. I used to read entire novels within one day, and still have time for other things. I used to naturally wake up no later than 8:45 or 9 a.m.
I still feel like that girl is me. I don't know what has gotten in my way. From what I can tell, I'm experiencing a symptom of depression that I haven't dealt with before. All my life, my depression has taken my emotions to extreme highs or extremely LOW lows. I've always struggled to live somewhere in the middle.
I'm so inexplicably sorry.
I promise I will break this stupid habit. You all deserve the side of Megan that shows up on time, ready to work, ready to perform my responsibilities and do so with a smile and a cheesy joke. I do not take this situation lightly. I promise I do not. I will fix this.
