Dreams are like our own short films, projected behind our closed eyes, showing us, reminding us of the very things we want and fear the most. But when you deal with stress and/or anxiety issues in waking life, a lot of times it can translate into chronic nightmares. Eventually, it becomes common to wake in a cold sweat from a bad dream every single night.
They can have you waking up in the middle of the night, clutching your chest and struggling to find your breath, because it was just too real. For that split second, everything you fear becomes your reality. It's panic at 3am, when your eyes struggle to see in the dark of your room, when your whole body jerks and your is mind reeling. It's clutching at your blankets, head whipping around, the images of a quickly fading dream replaying in front of your eyes. It's like trying to breathe underwater...the tricks your mind is playing on you are suffocating, and you’re left wondering why it would play such a cruel joke. You wonder why your own body would allow the breath to literally be stolen from your lungs and leave you gasping, trying to grip on to whatever same thoughts you can possibly reach.
You're alone. It's raining. The thunder rumbles, your window rattles. And ever so slowly, your breathing starts to even out. You can see a little clearer. You can make out your pictures on the wall, your dresser across the room, and the little sliver of light under the door. The beat of your heart slows its tempo.
A deep breath. It's okay. It's not real.
You remember the little things. The real things. You remember what you ate for dinner, and the homework you had. You remember the funny thing your boyfriend texted you right before you drifted off. You remember the work you have to do in a few hours. The remnants of the dream continue to wash away, almost like an invisible tide is erasing the colors, leaving you sitting in the dark, back to your black and white reality.
"It's okay," you whisper, and you know that convincing yourself that everything's fine will only appease you for the moment. The peace is only temporary. But as long as you can get back to sleep, you don't care. So you lay awake for God knows how long, finding that focusing on sleep only is making it harder to sleep. Your brain is toeing a dangerous line, and it’s taking everything in you to ignore it.
But even in the waking hours, you remember everything. Most people forget what they dream about...but they always stick with you. You wear them like the secret tattoo that hides on your side. It's crazy isn't it, how something your mind and daytime anxieties and stresses can form something that feels so real? It attacks when you’re most vulnerable, when you’re sleeping.
And that's why you can't anymore.
