This will be the first Christmas without you. The first without searching for Old Spice. The first without having to get the coffee machine down because you drank more black coffee than anyone I have ever met.

No one prepared me for your passing. No one knew that it was close. No one realized that this was it. That the 11:30 phone call that you fell would turn out to be fatal. I never thought I'd have to have a Christmas without you already, and I never thought of you passing. I never thought of going through my life's milestones without you there, cheering me on.

Christmas morning won't be the same. There will be plenty of smiles and laughs, but none of them will be yours. There will be nervous looks when we pass out presents because there won't be any addressed to or from you. I hope Christmas in heaven is everything we talked about it being.

I hope you are watching me, cheering me on from above as I get closer to graduating high school. I hope you're proud that I got into the school you always wanted. I hope you're proud of who I'm becoming. I like to think you'd approve of my boyfriend and what I've decided to do with my life. You were the person I always looked to for approval. Maybe it's because we joked I was your favorite grandchild, or maybe because you were my biggest fan. Either way, it's going to be hard not hearing your approval or your excitement for me.

I wish you were for one last Christmas, but I know you're in my heart. While that's better than nothing, I'd do anything to hear and see you one last time.