There are many things I would like to change about my life, most of them relating to my view of myself and certain situations. I like to think I have a pretty strong self-image and self-esteem. But like every college-aged individual, or individual in general, I sometimes doubt myself. And sometimes it is hard to determine whether to take a step to change or leave it be.
Sometimes being inactive in change is seen as a fragile balancing act between maintaining a healthy level of self esteem (it’s okay I didn’t do as well on that exam as I thought, I’m still smart and will try to do better next time) and building up an unrealistic perception (it’s okay that I’m totally lost in class and am failing all my quizzes, it’ll all be fine.) So for Christmas— in addition to gifts, of course— I am wishing for some internal changes.
1. Stop comparing myself to others.
I want to feel secure in my own achievements, and stop feeling the need to accomplish everything my friends and peers have attained.
2. Be okay with being alone.
Whether this is in a romantic or day to day setting, I need to be able to hold a more secure view of my friendships and relationships even if I am by myself. I think this insecurity goes back to my “seeing is believing” tendency. If I’m not with friends, do I even have them?
3. Stop feeling the need to make every moment count.
To many, this is very counterintuitive. But my faith in this saying can be unhealthy. Since I feel the need to “make every moment count,” do you know how I feel when I decide to stay home and go to bed early instead of going out with friends? Pretty damn shitty. Why do I feel inherently guilty about promoting self-care as opposed to having a social interaction? Because I have ingrained the need to “make every moment count,” and having fun with friends will be more memorable than taking care of myself. This is a ridiculous paradox and I need to be okay with not making every moment “count."
4. Start telling myself “everything happens for a reason.”
I have never been particularly religious in the traditional sense. So when asked the question “why did this happen,” many people are able to have faith that God has a plan. For me, when asked this question, I don’t know how to respond, and generally view events as chain reactions of many other people’s actions. But sometimes, I have trouble accepting events with this logical explanation, especially when I begin to blame myself.
How am I supposed to explain a family member’s death with “well you see it’s due to a collection of actions by other people.” In fact, many events that I initially viewed as “non-ideal scenarios” (ie my sophomore housing situation, my rejection from an internship) have reinforced my belief in “everything happens for a reason” due to the positive effects those events have had on my life.
