Christmas is the time to show your family members how much you love them.
As the poet Michael Scott once said "Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, "Hey man, I love you this many dollars worth.""
For college students, we are constantly balling on a budget. We choose alcohol over food and food over rent.
Christmas is our time to pick up our slack but not my own because I am Jewish and I picked up my slack for 8 days and nights during Hanukah.
This one is for everyone else.
1. Xanax for your mom
The only thing that mom's love more than doing laundry for their college kids, which takes up the entire TV room, is Xanax.
It is the gift that keeps on giving.
This gift is especially good for when you are about to tell your mom you made plans during her birthday to go to your friend's house *cue Xanax* OR when you tell her that you need to take an extra semester and she is the lucky lady that has to pay for it *cue Christmas Xanax*
2. A son for your dad
All dads ultimately want a son.
If you're like me, you probably grew up playing softball, dipping and wearing a cup (the last two are a joke).
For THIS Christmas, the perfect thing to get your dad is a 10-year-old boy (no pedophilic anecdote intended)!
Your dad can finally have "locker room talk" with someone that's not your poor guy friends and he can say things like "I tried to raise you to be a better man" and then he can cry and run into your room and slam door — make sure you include door insurance in this gift.
3. A shrine of your face for your grandparents
Grandparents love to show us off for some reason, despite us being trashy as hell and use words like "sauced" but they don't need to know that.
Make them a shrine of literally just your face with lights around it that rotates saying "I am the best grandchild."
It will make the other grandchildren jealous; if only they had read this helpful article.
Wait, who am I kidding, they can't even read.
4. A fake report card filled with D's to give to your "smart" cousin
Merry Christmas to the cousin who needs everyone to know that they're smarter than you. They roll their eyes when you jokingly say "C's get degrees" because that is just downright offensive to them.
Right as they are excited to open your present, mind you that they're expecting a pile of dirt because THAT'S how low they think of you, you say you have a surprise — their final grades!
They gather everyone around to bow down and WHAM it is all D's. They cry and flip multiple tables.
Disclaimer: Tell them it is fake before New Years so they don't have to transfer to your piss poor excuse of a university!
5. A punch in the gut (figuratively) for your stepdad/stepmom
Record an episode of Maury. Edit it with your face over Maury. and edit in your stepdad/stepmom over the person questioning if the other person is the father.
Edit Maury to say "You are not my father/mother!!!"
This is both entertaining and puts them in their place. It will also result in an absolute punch in the gut.
I have the photoshop and editing abilities if someone needs help doing this.
6. A muzzle for your sister
She'll think its funny because she "omfggg loves dogs sooo much" and you'll finally be able to write that novel you've been trying to get to.
7. A recording for your great aunt
The idea is you will actually use this as a pre-Christmas gift. You will send it to her a week before Christmas so she has the time and energy to play it over and over.
The recording will include things like "I do not have a boyfriend," "I do not have a job," "Yes I am graduating" and "No, I have not met a Jewish boy." That last one depends on the type of aunt.
Record it on a CD so she can plug it into her walkman and take it on her morning walks in the park.
8. A sneaky hat for your racist uncle
Has anyone ever actually gotten their UNCLE a gift? It's a definite no.
Your mom will handle it and then you'll write a heartless paragraph on a CVS card while watching TV and eating a sandwich made by your mom. You'll also make crumbs and she'll say something like "dammit the cleaning lady was just here."
This hat will say something like "Best Uncle Ever!" and then when the lights go off it says "I am a huge racist. Do not trust anything that comes out of my huge mouth" in bright orange.
Make sure to prepare a family montage to show everyone so you have an excuse to turn the lights off.
You could also just turn the lights off, but according to my longitudinal study of bat mitzvahs, people love montages.
9. A much-needed shirt for your aunt
Get your aunt a shirt that says "Can I see the manager."
She will love it so much that she'll pee her pants because once you get to a certain age... you know.
Your aunt can walk into just about ANY store in this T-shirt with a zip-up sweatshirt on. The second that she feels that the time is right, she can open her jacket and reveal her favorite quote/mantra.
The shirt layout will work perfectly so that when she crosses her arms you can still see the words.
Make sure she remembers to pose and don't forget to snap a picture for her Facebook.
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If you are iffy on any other gifts, just wrap yourself in wrapping paper and roll into your family members' lap.
The real gift this time of year is that you're still making it to family events.
