It's true. I'm a Christian.

It is also true, there was a time that I was sad everyday. For a year, I felt paralyzed by my aching heart. I would go to sleep, grabbing my chest and stomach, hoping that the empty hole would go away. I would wake up in the morning, holding my breathe, thinking that if I went back to sleep, I wouldn't have to feel anymore. I lost all desire to live.

I know I'm being extremely vulnerable with you right now, but that's only because I know I'm not the only one.

Not very many people understand what it is like to have your mind literally working against you. But some of you do understand and can relate to this. Having mental health issues is like having physical health issues. You have chemicals in your brain making it difficult for you to live your everyday life such as doing school, work, interacting with people, etc. It's hard to function!

You want to plead with people why it isn't easy anymore, and to them, mental health issues isn't a reasonable enough excuse. I've gone home crying and ashamed about my depression, thinking, "Why don't they just understand?"

I refuse to be ashamed anymore and they don't have to understand. I understand, and God understands, and that's enough for me.

My depression has caused friends to leave. I couldn't handle being alone anymore because I didn't want to dwell in my thoughts. I leaned on my friends more than I should have and I lost them. I have a burning love for these friends that I can no longer reach out to. My depression not only drug me down, but drug everyone around me down too.

When your depression becomes too much for those you love and those who love you, it is a huge wake up call.

When I lost my friends, I knew then that I had to do something. If my brain is powerful enough to bring me down so hard, it must be powerful enough to pull me back up. I know this to be true.

I'm brought back up now.

My God is so powerful and there is endless joy and hope that Christ has to offer.

I think that there's many steps to healing. First, finding light and beauty in the things that make me sad. And second, helping others battle the battles that I have battled. And how I think that I can do that, is by being open and honest with you.

Here are some things that use to make me sad that I can now find light in:

1. Sunshine.

The sunshine used to make me sad. It made me think of someone I lost. Someone that I had a deep connection with and in losing them contributed to my depression. Here is a poem that I wrote about how I felt when I lost that someone:

"The weather makes me think of you, every time the sky turns blue.

When the sun is out to offer hope, all I do is mope and mope.

I see grey clouds and smell relief. You will forever be my sunshine thief."

- Mickala Marriam Ramezani

They are no longer my sunshine thief. Blue skies are beautiful to me and I feel so much energy from the sun. I have learned now, to not let someone consume me, not all of me. I have an identity. I have an identity in Christ and that is the only thing I will let myself become obsessed with. Forever God will let the sunshine brighten my day.

2. Quiet Times

Yes, my quiet times use to make me sad.

I use to feel like I was failing by being a sad Christian. I know now, that this isn't true. The enemy let me believe that my quiet times would hurt me, so I would avoid them out of fear of being depressed. That is what he wanted. But now, I look forward to my quiet times because I know that they are the fuel to the fire when my heart burns for Christ. No longer will the Devil discourage me from my quiet times.

3. My past

I would dwell in my past and convince myself that all I was, was my past. The past is really what made me who I have become. My past has built character. However, what I do now, will help me determine who I will be. My past is now simply a vague memory that will remind me of the growth that God has been responsible for in my life. This is truth. I am not my past and my past doesn't own me.

While my depression has caused great aches and pains in my life, it isn't something that I would take back. I have lost friends, but made new, healthier relationships. I have learned to consume myself with God and His word in the midst of all this. And above all, I know that no matter what I go through or what God allows me to fall into, He is still the greatest of all and I can have the highest of joy when I am in the lowest of lows.

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." -- James 1:2-3