Okay, so we all know the UNG dining hall, commonly referred to as “Chow” is ironically not the greatest place to get your chow on. Equipped with vats of randomly assorted vegetables and ancient waffle makers, you know you’re a resident chow-goer if you frequently ask the question: “What kind of meat is this?”

My freshman year, I came to UNG orientation thinking, Omg, there’s a pizza line AND a Mongolian grill?! This place is awesome! I love college! Unfortunately, my naive enthusiasm didn’t even last the first day. And frankly, after visiting friends and experiencing the pure joy of a gourmet UGA dining hall, the constant comparison became detrimental to my love for UNG altogether. Going into Chow everyday last year became a sad, sad routine full of constant hopefulness followed by hollow disappointment and regret. Steak night is always the saddest time of all …
BUT, my experiences last year lead me to a low desperation from which I arose a champion of Chow. With the help of my friends, I became a pro at satisfying my taste and hunger by experimenting with all the different foods Chow has to offer and discovering the secrets by which the whole subpar institution operates. The following is a compiled list of ideas (some my own, some from friends) that will hopefully help you make the most out of your Chow experience. Good luck!

Befriend Barbara

Barbara is your resident sweet-yet-sassy lady who works the cashier at Chow and seems to know everyone. If you get close with her, she will make your dining experience all the more enjoyable with her generous compliments and overall pleasantness. If she calls you “baby,” it’s a good thing. DO NOT come to chow at 8:59 or she will remember your face and probably hate you forever.

Quesadilla

Fill up a bowl with the cheese from the salad bar and make a quesadilla upstairs with the sandwich griller thing!

Ordinary Coffee Cup or Poorly Disguised Smuggling Device?

Not only are they good for transporting hot liquids, the coffee cups are perfect for smuggling all sorts of foods out of Chow when you’re on the run. Whether you’re late to class or literally on the run from the campus police, you can use the coffee cups to hide cereal, donut holes, biscuits, cookies ... the list goes on.

Get Chicken From Upstairs

The chicken from upstairs can be used for a whole lot more than just the chicken sandwiches (which are pretty good, by the way). You can cut it up and put it in your salad or use it for strips in a quesadilla. The possibilities are endless. Oh, and when they have fried chicken sandwiches, get like two of those bad boys. So good.

Chow’s Secret Open Bar

If you mix apple juice and Sprite or grape juice and Sprite, you have basically made a fancy mixed drink. You can also make an Arnold Palmer with the sweet tea and lemonade.

Egg Sandwiches

In the morning, in the omelet line, there are many possibilities of egg sandwiches you can request, so get on that.

Chili Fries

Sometimes Chow will make chili and you can get some fries from upstairs, put chili on it, and then get cheese from the salad bar. Honestly, just put cheese from the salad bar on everything.

When there are bananas in Chow, take them ALL.

Broccoli Cheddar Soup

Always check to see if they have broccoli soup because it’s usually pretty good. If they happen to be serving broccoli at the same time, you can put some fresh pieces in the soup to compliment the large amount of cheese. Also, if you see that the soup is more green than yellow and looks really gritty, it’s probably a bad batch, so that sucks for you.

The ice machine closest to the bathroom never works. Don’t be that new guy and try it…

Dessert Pizza

If they randomly have that s'mores pizza or the apple cinnamon pizza, you best get over there and get some.

Strange Food Names

Never try to understand the names they give the food on the menu screens. They’re entirely made up and inaccurate, but they do make for a good laugh. Remember: there’s no shame in walking over to look at something and then just walking away.

The ice cream machine is BACK!

It was gone last semester … everything was wrong.

Cereal for breakfast, cereal for lunch, cereal for dinner, cereal for dessert

(Unless you’re lactose intolerant like me, in which case smuggle some back to your dorm and eat it with Lactaid, but you know what, that probably doesn’t apply to, like, anyone but me, so never mind.)

If there’s something good, you better fill up and get seconds because you never know when your next good meal is going to be.

Be Nice to the Pizza Workers

If you want buffalo chicken pizza or some special pizza like that, you can make a request to the ladies in the pizza line, but you have to be really nice and caring. And honestly, you really just have to be a good-looking “sweet young man.”

Breakfast in chow is always good, honestly. It doesn’t even need hacks.

Chicken Finger Friday Frenzy

DO NOT go to Chow on Fridays at noon if you value your life. It's like all the animals on the African Safari grouped in one room. Between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m. is so much safer.

BEWARE THE JELLY KNIFE

It is always sticky. It is never not sticky. Just grab your own knife unless you want purple jelly wedged in the crevices of your hands.

You can never go wrong with the cookies, but you can always go wrong with the pudding

If you are eating the pudding, you have probably come to a low point in your life. Maybe you should just quit school.

Taco Night

Sometimes its fun to have taco night with friends in your dorm. Like last year I used the suite's kitchen and we made taco meat and bought some tortillas. Why is this relevant to Chow? Well, we got cheese and veggies - like chopped tomatoes and lettuce and peppers - from the salad bar instead of buying them ourselves. But that time we used one of those reusable containers, so it was legal.

Alternatives

When all else fails, just go to Waffle House. Oh, and McDonald's does breakfast after midnight.