God told me I need to be lonely. Well not really in those exact words, but he told me I need to be single. As someone who has pretty consistently dated since I graduated high school, hearing that I need to be single is like hearing that I need stop drinking water or stop binge-watching my favorite shows on Netflix.
Growing up I was always a little boy crazy. While my friends were talking about going on wild adventures when they grew up, I was dreaming about getting married. When other girls were braiding each other’s hair on the playground, I was chasing boys around and hoping they would chase me back.
As I got into junior high and high school, my prospects were bleak. Going to a school that extended from kindergarten to twelfth grade meant that almost everyone had seen me through all my awkward phases; and though I was way prettier now, all the boys remembered when I had those Harry Potter glasses in the sixth grade.
After graduation, I attended a small college in an even smaller town and suddenly my world changed. Guys noticed me, guys talked to me, guys asked me out and wanted my number and wanted to be with me. I began to believe that I was beautiful and interesting and worth someone’s time.
For the next four years, I was in and out of relationships. It became about the game. I went from flirting with someone, to being their girlfriend, to breaking up with them all in a matter of a couple weeks, over and over again. It felt good to be wanted, but when you don’t take the time to get to know someone, things about them often surprise you in relationships and I would be stunned to find out that the guys I dated often had other motives or agendas when they were seeing me. We both played the game, we both broke each other’s hearts, and we moved on to the next person in a long line of disappointments.
One day I looked at myself in the mirror, my image was fuzzy, I had had too much to drink; night after night until they all blurred together. My identity and the very core of who I was had become so entangled in the guys that I dated that I needed their very approval to feel loved. And when the guys didn’t fulfill my longing heart, alcohol, Netflix, crazy amounts of sleep and unhealthy foods did the trick, for a little while at least.
After leaving my abusive boyfriend and my entire life behind, I moved far enough away to escape my issues once and for all. Or so I thought. I was making better choices with my life. Until you have a heart change, your actions will continue to reflect what you believe to be true about yourself. I continued to date, and though they were far better guys than some I had seen before, they were never enough.
I had been told by several friends and family that I should take a break from dating for a short period while I figured out who I was and why I continued to look to these relationships to make me whole. I ignored them, because what did they know? I was content to continue chasing the next relationship, the next guy, until maybe one would finally be enough to complete me and make me happy.
But God told me to be lonely. He told me to take a break and focus on what he wanted to tell me. At first I couldn’t fathom my life without these shallow relationships and I cried out to him, telling him I could not picture myself doing this for any length of time. He answered with “one day”. Give him just one day at a time. Surrendering each day to him, we slowly moved forward.
After a few weeks, God asked me for one month, then two and now three. Three whole months of nothing but me and Jesus. I could have never imagined myself in this place, choosing to be alone, but it has been one of the most fulfilling and eye opening times of my life.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s so freaking hard. Choosing to be single sometimes means choosing loneliness. It means choosing to eat pizza alone on your couch on a Saturday night, because your friends are out with their significant others. It means going on hikes and walks by yourself, baking cookies and making dinner by yourself. It means watching other people in your life in their relationships and feeling your heart hurt because you so badly want what they have.
But just because choosing singleness is sometimes lonely, does not mean it is not worth every single lonely second. I choose singleness because I want to be healthy and happy in the future no matter my relationship status. I choose loneliness because I am done letting my value be determined by anyone other than God himself. I chose loneliness because I choose freedom. Chose today to give yourself a much needed break from whatever is stealing away your life.
