I have a type of privately practiced ritual. If I’m on Facebook and there is a video of a single person I should probably watch it. I’m not sure where it originated, but somewhere along the lines I became fascinated with people in videos. I was scrolling through my home page on Facebook when a slender, Black man, frozen in time, slid into view on my screen. I clicked on the video and being a singer, the first thing I noticed was his voice. It was a very resonant bass voice. His voice was clear and direct as his Southern drawl came into focus. As he stood outside of what I assumed to be his home, I took note of his body language. He was notably arrogant. He had a habit of bringing his free hand into view, even though he was recording with the other and bringing the hand into the frame would probably put his body in an awkward position. He stopped every few sentences to glance away and chew something. All with his head cocked to the side and his brow furrowed.

The young man began to set a scene for his viewers. He was at a gas station pumping his gas when he noticed a young woman at a near by pump. As he paid closer attention, he could see that there was a man in the car. The young woman proceeded to pump gas into the car. This is where it gets interesting. Our arrogant friend says that runs up to the young woman and questions her about why she is pumping her own gas with a man sitting in the car. I guess she didn’t have an adequate response by his standards, so he continues to ask if he can pump her gas. All at once he gently motions for her to step aside as he reaches for the pump. The young man, previously sitting in the car, leaps out of his seat to see what is going on. Our friend, living up to my assumption, tells the other gentleman that he should get back in the car since he’s not man enough to pump gas for his “woman”. He continues by telling the young woman that if her “man” really cared about her he wouldn’t allow her to stand outside at the pump like that. He should do it.

Of course, I skipped a few seconds of the video here and there, but it seemed to me that I had the general idea. Although his delivery was obtrusive and unsettling, his basic premise has stuck with me – so much so that it’s been almost six months since I’ve seen the video last. It’s not that I agreed with him; I didn’t know there were gas-pumping police who only allowed outwardly expressing “men” to pump gas in the first place. It seemed odd to me. As odd as it may be, every time my girlfriend and I go to the gas station I now wonder if people expect me to get up and pump her gas. If I’m being honest and a bit shallow…most of the time I don’t want to! Most of the time, I don’t feel like getting up. Who gets all excited about pumping gas anyway? We usually leave it up to whoever is driving. That seemed like a good system to me until this guy came along and ruined it for some of us.

There have been many people to say, “Chivalry is dead.” I agree with the statement on a superficial level, but I must admit that the concept of chivalry has never appealed to me. I also realize that the concept has evolved as we have become more socially progressive and aware. We have to agrees that,

“Courteous behavior, especially that of a man toward women”

has many benefits, but more shortcomings. First, the phrase “courteous behavior” implies that there is some level of expectation and understand from either side directed toward the other. In order for a man’s actions (in this scenario) to be considered courteous, there must first be some general consensus that holding the door, giving up your jacket and walking between a woman and on coming traffic is polite. Then, we as men must not ask if we can perform these acts of kindness at all. The whole point of being chivalrous (by these standards) is to do what was never asked of you, but to do what was assumed to be the polite thing to do – the right thing to do. If we take the definition of courteous as,

“Showing respect and consideration for others”

then our idea of chivalry is lacking in the consideration department. Our world has become a myriad of let-me-get-that-for-you phrases, where men never ask if their gestures are welcomed and the desires of women are rarely taken into account. Chivalry is dead because chivalry must be courteous and our courteousness lacks honest consideration for the other – no matter their gender or sex.

I found this to be true, especially in the case of our dear, arrogant friend from the story. How he asserted himself over the woman. He never seemed to even care about what she wanted. He even went as far as to give unsolicited relationship advice. It is at that point that one has to identify the true motives behind actions like that of our friend. This type of “chivalry” (if you want to call it that) was never meant to be in a woman’s best interest. It became another opportunity for men to dominate social interactions and, whether direct or indirect, for men to tell women what was best for them. Men ended up telling women how to be women.

“Don’t hold the door for him. He should do it!”

“Don’t spend money on him. He should pay.”

“A man should do outside work.”

They appear to be harmless, but they are nothing more than commands dressed as well meaning bits advice. In fact, many people use these expectations to dictate whether a woman is decent or not. We end up creating a world where it is socially awkward or unaccepted for a woman to hold the door for a man, pump her own gas, pay for a first date and make more money than her male partner, if applicable. Our concept of chivalry is totally dependent upon how strictly we can adhere to the rules of the gender binary, where men are typically self-reliant, strong , dominant and aggressive while women are to be gentle and preoccupied with relations and deference.

I am in no way saying that men shouldn’t perform kind gestures for women, but I am saying that these gestures should be free from oppressive systems, where women don’t have the right to pump their own gas if they so please. If your chivalry is dependent on a woman being subservient then you were never concerned with respecting her in the first place. If your chivalry is dependent on dictating what a woman can and cannot or should and should not do, you never honored and cherished her. Instead of pretending, or honestly thinking, that we know what is best for women, we should let them tell us what they want. In the process, we can relinquish what little power we have tried to hold on to while disguising it as chivalry.