In a world of so much struggle and oppression taking a look around myself and seeing so much going on their is some days I wonder how much more can I take. I find myself wondering "who would come to my funeral" its something nobody should ever have to think about at 22 years old. But trying to find purpose when everything you do seems to go wrong. With so many things going on in the world these days as I sit back and try to understand everything I see that is going on around me. I would love to share what I see. This letter is not meant to offend anybody because thats not what this post is about it is only about emotions and observations. If anybody knows me they would know I am far from rascist. I could care less if you were a were a member of the LGTBQ community I will always support you. How many times when you make advances toward me and I rejection them will it take to make you understand.... No Mean No. We hold men to high standards but men need to hold men accountable to. What you don't see is a guy who was molested for 13 years....and your advances only bring up those harsh memories of a father grooming a little boy to suck his dick and then go on to relieve himself on you and then then takes his red handkerchief out and wipe his semen off you. Those are the memories that you are bringing up. So I apologize if I would never date you because you are a man. But why are we making this acceptable. Not that a guy likes a guy..... I have no problem with that. But when you are making it ok for guys to hound guys after they say they are not interested why are we not standing up for that.... I will tell you.....because we are afraid of getting labeled as a homophobe. But for some of us those men are creating memories to resurface that you haven't had to think about for years. Why is is that older men always look at me like a target then as a friend. I have never made advances toward you. And Trust me I can see when you are making advances because you remind me just like my father.....and please don't try to tell me "I just haven't been treated right by the right guy" like come on is that the best you have.....nothing will be better then looking at you and seeing my father.... your 50 years old..... Why are we making this acceptable? Anybody is welcome to come out to me. I won't blame them or shame them. I would love them like I love everybody else. But I would hope that in their community they would recognize this isn't acceptable. When a person turns them down they shouldn't have to explain why they turned them down.

Lets talk about woman...I love them I want to find one to marry one day. But when I look around me and find girls that would rather date somebody who is bad for them then somebody who knows how to take care of them. I look around and see people would rather support woman when they are having a bad day. But would never comment on a males post when it looks like they are having a bad day. Because men are supposed to be strong and not have emotions. But we see your post comments and look at our own and only see people that care more about you then they do us. We look at all the likes you get on your facebook picture you just uploaded about you on the beach. And the 200 likes and then look at our own and we are good to get 10 likes. And then you truly do feel alone.

There's some things normal people don't understand the things foster kids want is to be apart of something and for me I haven't found that. You look towards the holidays and know you are going to be alone. And you go to the store and look around at all the smiling faces and you know that they will have a great holiday......without you....... because you were a foster kid who moved around to much and never got the chance to make those connections, friends, or families. Your heart aches because of the things you long but you can't have. That friend you can vent to and explain the hurt you go thru. You want to talk to people....you really do.....you want to reach out.....but you can't.....because you know if you do you will be labeled as having problems...You do so much good in the community you have to make your own audience to advocate for the things you are passionate about in hopes they will never have to face the pain amd suffering you endured for those 13 years.....13 years.....why so long....feeling alone....and helpless....not understanding why would the person that adopted you that you thought loved you more then your real parents could hurt you....and not see the pain they are putting you thru.... not knowing when your next meal was going to be....or when she was going to unlock your bedroom door so you could come out... breaking out of your room because you didn't want to go to the bathroom on your floor. But when you couldn't hold it in anymore and you had to pee down the vent. But you didn't want the air to smell. So you make lines on the carpet in hopes it wouldn't be a puddle and stand out so much. And then when you were brought out and your sister did something wrong hearing the pain and suffering they had to go thru....and their screams and you wonder when was it your turn....when your mom said it was time for a holding and you knew it was the worst lain she was going to put you thru that you would ever go thru. As you lay down on the floor and she tells you to spread your arms and your legs and she laid on top on you and she dug her fingernails into your armpits....and then took her fingers and pinches the back of your legs....while you scream at the top of your lungs begging.....pleading with her to stop.... you hear your sisters in the other room crying because they feel the pain you are going thru. No amount of alleged fun would ever make up for the abuse you would go thru and would never make up for the pain that happened when nobody was around. But you knew how loud your screamed nobody would be around to hear you. Because you lived in the country your mom says what she is doing isn't abuse... and it was normal....and you hate normal....but you don't know how can you get out of it...you hear your mom scheming on how she can make you endure pain and suffering for the rest of your life. She wants you to believe you have problems.....that you are the not normal one....she tells you that over and over and over trying to make you believe you could never function on your own...and she was the only one that could take care of you properly. She talks about how she wants to get guardianship of you.....and that frightens you....because in your mind you are battling. Because you know you are normal....you know that as long as you speak out you might be able to get out of it.....the molestation at the time seemed minimal compared to the beating you get from your mother how can you get out of it....what if she was right....and what she is doing to you is normal....and their is no way out.....but wait.....you meet somebody who believes in you and makes you feel normal....will he be able to tell you if you are really normal will he be able to save you?? Why not take a chance???? And then you do! And you are saved! So your thrown into foster care with so much normalcy but you don't know what that is?? Is this what is normal??? But how is this normal you were homeschooled??? You don't know how to build friendships, relationships, how do you act with all these other kids....oh well your 16 you don't have time to be a kid....because you are almost a adult and by now were supposed to have all the skills you would need to tackle the world.....but you don't your moved around from home to home. You don't feel safe....you feel alone away from the people that helped you thru your years of abuse. Your sisters the ones who were there for you.... your 18 now....you have to be adult. You have to work to live. But that's normal right?? But wait...you were never able to be a kid you were never prepared to take the world on by yourself.... but wait....you get a phone call 1 week after you turn 18 telling you your sister hung herself. You thought everything was going to be fine. But then your world comes crashing down. And your savior committed suicide. Who's going to fill that hole? That person you can vent to. That won't judge you. That won't label you. You never have found them because you are to busy trying to survive. Your whole life has been survival has been trying to figure out how to take care of yourself. You don't know how much more you can take....you get a messege from your abuser. You thought you were doing good trying to make a difference because that was the goal you set for yourself as a kid....because you knew you wanted to make sure know child has to go thru what you went thru..... but you can't unless you have a degree....and then the media and the people call you a uneducated hillbilly.....but wait.....did they go thru what you went thru?? The abuse you suffered. The one person who understands how a abusers mind works because you saw it first hand....no they only see you as uneducated rural people.. You want to travel the country and help others know what to look for. That messege tho....it just eats at you.....what do you have to be grateful for....ungrateful for that abuse.....your sister goes back to live with that woman....what is in her mind? She was abused. Not as bad as you and your younger sister but what kind of bond is still their....I guess she cares to much...which isn't a bad thing....but you are glad she has what you were never able to get ...that bond with that one person. That bond you were never able to get.

And your glad she is taken care of...if you just take off your seatbelt if you just go really fast and turn the wheel hard so your car flips you can end your pain. Because you know she will be ok. And you know they what you have done is make a difference your sure you can make a bigger difference but at what cost? Who would come to your funeral? What would they say? Would they say how great you were. Would they say they were sorry they never checked on you when you said you were having a bad day. You know your not normal your told that everyday. You still don't understand what normal is. What is your purpose you wonder. Why can't you travel the country and share your story. Because you want others to know what they can do to save lives all those people you came into contact with as a child. But you don't know how. Your grades are failing you feel so alone you know your dream is slipping away. How much more can you take. Why doesn't your abuser understand what she did was wrong.

Take a moment to check on those that are struggling around you and support them when they are at their Highs because you will see them fall. But they don't want you to see they have fallen because they know you will judge them. But make sure you are right by their side no matter how many times they fall. Before its to late.....and you are having to decide what to say at their funeral. And why they would do something.....Now you know....because they knew you didn't really care about them.. you were more worried about where they are working or what they were doing in life. They know they had potential but had nobody their by their side to support them and help them stand up. And be that shining face to share their messege of hope and inspiration.

Thank You,

Matthew Peiffer

Foster Child and Child Abuse Advocate.

You Matter To Me ❤❤

I apologize if I offended anybody with the first paragraph. But somebody has to say it.