Two years ago I was sitting in my bedroom crying. Fighting the person I was and decisions I was making. I was never happy with any of it but I didn't know how to change.

We all make poor decisions and bad choices, but everyone refuses to talk about them. I don't blame them, honestly. No one wants people to know their wrong-doings and no one wants to be called names. No one wants to admit that we have been those people who we judge and look down upon. But in order to be stronger people, mistakes are made. I have made them. I have made all of them.

My first serious boyfriend was in high school. He was the first who ever showed interest in me. I was the joke of my grade. And a couple of other grades. I was made fun of and laughed at. Told I wasn't pretty and was never going to be good enough. So when someone finally liked me, I was on top of the world. He was everything to me and I got to show the world that someone thought I WAS GOOD ENOUGH.

His best friend thought so too..

I probably don't need to bury into details for you to understand where this story ends up. I cheated on my boyfriend with his best friend. I felt no guilt, had no sorries. And I still didn't stop. I didn't know how to react to more than one boy wanting me at once. I barely knew how to react with just one. But I never knew how badly I was hurting him.

Until he cheated on me. It hurt. I had never felt that pain before. The thoughts of him in another girl's bed. Cuddling and kissing her. More. I was mad. I yelled. I argued. I made him feel bad for hurting me...but I had hurt him first.

After everything was out in the open, everyone called me names, hated me, exiled me. I was told that I would never change. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I was ready to leave that town. I was ready for college.

I could go into depth about my life from 2012 to 2016, but it all ends the same. No, they weren't all to the extent of the first relationship, but in some way or another, I cheated in every other one following. Sometimes it was just by talking to other people, but often it was more. It happened. Over and over again. I got too comfortable. I got...bored. And no, I'm not proud of it. I don't like to say it, but it's the truth. I loved all of the guys I have been with. I just wasn't "in love" with them. There were times when I thought I was, but I learned that I was in love with the idea of the perfect relationship, I was in love with the idea that I could be happy. But I could never really do that... I broke down all of them. They all ended because I brought them to an end.

I had this image of the person I wanted to be, but instead, I was messaging 10 million guys all at the same time. Trying to keep all of them in my life because I had options. If things didn't work with one guy, I had more. While I was in relationships, I held on to them because it still made me feel wanted. Sometimes, one guy wasn't enough for me.

I never felt guilt, remorse, the needs to say, "I'm sorry." I had the ability to lie next to someone hours after lying next to someone else. The ability to cry on command, make my heart beat fast, and make my voice quiver when I couldn't believe that they didn't believe me. I possessed the eyes to make them believe everything I said. If anyone was meant for this type of lifestyle, it was me.

But all I wanted was to get out.

Two years ago I was sitting in my bedroom crying. Fighting the person I was and decisions I was making. I was never happy with any of it but I didn't know how to change. My depression was at an all-time high. At least once a week I stared in the mirror and told myself that I would change, that I would be better. Every time I tried, I failed. And I began to think that if I had to live this way for rest of my life, I didn't want to live at all.

This way of living led to suicidal thoughts and what were almost actions. I tried so hard to get myself out of it and I couldn't. Why couldn't I? Why couldn't I just be a good person and be faithful?

I can't say I didn't ask for this life. Becuase while getting made fun of in high school, I would lie awake at night and pray for someone to love me. I prayed for someone to text me, tell me how pretty I was, and fall for me. Well, my prayers came true. But it all came true all at once and that's how I fell into this mess of a life. So I did ask for this. I did put myself in this position.

I've been completely alone for years, fighting against myself. Do you know what it's like to go through life hating who you are? Not wanting to subject anyone else to the terrible person you are? I was so scared to tell people about who I really was. The last thing I wanted was to be exiled again. For people to call me names and say out loud all of the things that I wrote on my mirror. I never trusted anyone enough to keep my secrets, to still call me their friend...But then I trusted him.

I found someone who made me feel safe. Someone who made me feel like I could be a better person. And I started by telling him my story. I told him the things I did wrong and about the people I hurt. I cried because well, 1) I always cry and 2) I knew I was about to lose him. But I didn't lose him. He kissed me. He brought me into his life knowing what a virus I was and knowing my potential for hurting him.

A year and a half later, I'm sitting on his couch watching football highlights, writing this, with all of my belongings in the next room. I smile every time I think about him and I cuddle with him, and only him, every night. On top of all of that, I haven't even talked to another guy since being with him. I never feel bored anymore. I feel comfortable as hell, but for once, it's comforting and it's home.

I was scared for the longest time that I would never find love. I was scared that I would be alone forever because no one would be able to put up with me. I would never be able to be faithful with one guy. Marriage wasn't going to be in the cards for me. I hated who I was and who I was going to be. Until I met the guy who believed in me.

Sure, I get scared in moments that I'm going to screw it up, but then I remember how he looks at me. And I realize that I hold all of the power over my life and who I wish to be. I, for once, believe in myself.