As my first semester of college has come to a close, I've been reflecting on how much I have changed over the last few months. Coming from a small town, it's easy to get stuck in a high school mindset- that you always have to be the quiet girl in the library, or the class clown at the back of the class, or the homebody that keeps to himself. Many of us have spent most of our lives cultivating a certain image for ourselves that it's hard for others to see us as anything else. I've always felt that I showed people a certain side to me, a side that was subdued and mostly quiet, a side that stayed at home and would chill out alone rather than bother anyone. While that is a part of who I am, it's a minuscule part of the much greater whole.
I'm opinionated and passionate, characteristics that I toned down far too much and far too often. I would bite my tongue because I was too nervous to say my thoughts aloud, too worried about what others would think of me. I would run from conflict and let others hurt my feelings because I didn't want to voice my thoughts. I would be too nervous to dress how I really wanted for fear of judgmental eyes or disapproving looks. I wouldn't go out because I felt like no one really wanted me there or that it was too out of character for me, even though deep down I liked the idea of a night out, just enjoying myself.
Coming to JMU really made me realize how stupid it was to hold myself back the way I did. College introduced me to so many people that aren't afraid to voice their opinion, that aren't scared to tell you how they feel, that aren't afraid to be unapologetically themselves. The moment I stepped onto campus, I could sense that there was going to be a big change in me.
I speak my mind now, confidently and clearly. I hold my head up high. I look people in the eye. I go out, I make an effort to meet new people. I dance with my friends without caring how silly I look. I laugh a lot. I'm happier with who I am now than I've ever been before.
I've changed a lot, but not necessarily into a completely different person. I'm just a better version of myself; I'm the person I've always been but was too scared to invest in. It took me leaving home, even for these short few months, to realize that I can't live my life worrying about the thoughts of others. I can't go through my life only feeling OK with myself.
Even after all this growth, there is one thing that will never change: I will never settle again.
