Most of us want good and seek it out, but the bad gets to us and stops us from wanting good or whatever we really want. We try to bury what we really want in our minds under whatever we can and act like it was never there. Everyone wants things like love, friends that turn into family, family, fun, experiencing life, and learning. Once any of that is threatened or hurt in some way then we begin to retreat into ourselves to deal with the pain. There are different defense mechanisms we go through, but the worst one is that we push it aside in our minds. The problem with that is if we do that then it is only a matter of time before our mind begins to crash because of all that pain and suffering we wanted to avoid. We give up on things like having a real connection with others and by a real connection I mean that you and this person see eye to eye, that you both are similar enough to see yourself in them, but different enough to learn and see things from their reality. People tend to get scared of being vulnerable or open to a person and I get it because it is a scary feeling to give someone part of you. You wonder if and when you'll lose part of yourself and how it will happen. The fear of that pain that can come at any point in time in your life because it is out of your control. All you are doing is hanging off the ledge with that person or those people holding your hands lifting you up and hoping they do not drop you. You cannot let that fear take you over to the point that you just slam the door in the face of whoever wants to come knock on your door.
I noticed that I started to lose myself in a weird way. I noticed it recently that as I get better that my soul is starting to die. It is like there is so much pain there that to get better I abandoned it and noticed it situations when I am supposed to feel something like listening to some real music with soul, or any situation when I am supposed to feel something. I could not connect with it and that got to me because that means I was letting this cold war win. My soul is the best part of me and fear and suffering made me want to get rid of it. No soul full of raw emotion then no pain or anything, but that would mean that I had lost the ability to connect with life, experiences and others on the level that I used to. I feel it fading away to nothingness. Since this is how it is then my writing ability that had soul, the level I connected with others and life is gone. Guess this is who I am for now as I continue to grow and change. Things do change after all.
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