Our style changes and who we surround ourselves with changes. We can even change our signature. Change can be seen as cliche, but is nonetheless fundamental.
It happens to our thoughts and experiences, even to the way we perceive things. No matter if you are trying to improve yourself or would rather surround yourself by your familiar values, everyone and everything changes. What’s interesting about change is once we are where we want to be, we don’t always look back. There’s an interesting aspect when looking back.
Sometimes we don’t even recognize ourselves or the way we thought we once were. Sometimes we judge ourselves for our blatantly attention grabbing outfits or the way we used social media. Sometimes we just take a laugh out ourselves and the way we used to be. Either way, it’s important we look back and digest or show gratitude for how much we have changed.
As stated from previous articles, I keep a journal (Peep “My Little Black Book”). A journal or some type of thought-releasing strategy should be a necessity for every person in my opinion. At times, it isn’t always convenient to physically have, especially when a thought spurs to my mind while driving or I’m too embarrassed to hear people ask me why I’m 24 with a journal.
Well, why are you without one keeping your thoughts spinning on a hamster wheel until you beat them down to a watered down concept that you still think is true?
As my first journal comes to a close with a mere 20 pages left, I oftentimes find myself blindly flipping through the pages to see what I used to think like. I remain patient because at the time I was trying and still am, but it’s funny how unknowingly hurtful I was to myself and to the thoughts I’ve had. From then till now, my transformation really put me into perspective to how much I have grown.
My first Iphone note, most likely my first freestyle poem that I wrote for pleasure is dated from April 9, 2015.
Why overthink when you’re going to take the
Moment for granted anyway
The solution
Let the thoughts come as they go and leave
As they go because eventually they’ll never
Be there anymore and just irrelevant
Ouch.
I wrote a list of goals from June 6, 2015, here’s the best ones:
-STOP BEING NEGATIVE
Mind you, this is my first goal written in all caps! Feels more like an intimidating command than anything.
-STOP BEING FUCKING SHY OMG seriously its annoying af
Blessed to have realize that yelling at myself is more annoying than coming to the conclusion I am a true introverted extrovert and have my moments of both.
-Don’t be nice to boys- get with who you want to, remember you’re not their only girl anyway
Gotta keep it savage for those college boys because who wants to stay true to their relationship minded beliefs, right?
-Stop trying to control shit it’s clearly not working
Ironic.
-Stop asking people if you are pretty
-Have shower sex...have sex to drake, biggie, Mac Miller, Curren$y, Wiz Khalifa, Juicy J, Tyga
-Suck a dick while he rolls a blunt
-Be awhoreable
I was so mad at myself for not understanding why I clenched my thighs when someone mentioned fucking me, but fantasized it on a daily basis. If only I realized why at the time and could come to closure with myself and realized I needed intimacy and safety before a drug dealer that just wants head...
Write down more shit this feels good (a diary maybe or is that shit lame?)
At the end of the day, I’m so cute and so proud of this list. I sound a little harsh on myself, but I did what I could as a college student, struggling to find inner love and peace.
November 17, 2016
I wrote a forgiveness and release letter to myself the opening line is, “First off, I used to be a person that was very spiteful and resentful, always having a hidden intention and plotting for trouble,” “At all times in my life I would be very defensive” “I apologize for seeming distant and like I don’t care or am uninvolved.”
While I’ve had my moments, these statements seem incredibly jarring. It pains me to hear that I thought I was a type of person “all the time”, when in fact I have realized that I have my moments because of some issues and because of my stingy Scorpio personality, and that’s okay.
After reading some past pieces of work, all I can think of is how far I have made it. At the time I was trying and manifesting for thoughts and ideas I didn’t know I could actually obtain. It’s amazing how giving yourself attention, affection and proper guidance can help you achieve a mindset you didn’t realize was possible. Of course, I still need more help and I might always will. But, working on myself and physically seeing my results make all the heartaches and daily anxietys worthwhile. Sometimes you have to remember the bad to really be gracious for who you are now. It’s hard not to belittle your past self, but he or she planted the seeds to who you are today.
