These past few weeks have been really difficult for me, especially these last few days. For starters, everyone knows that my grandma is my world and she's been sick for over a year. I would do anything for that lady. So I put her above any and all else. Seeing her in the condition that she is in is heartbreaking to me . . . it's my number one stressor.

Before getting into everything else, there are two things I would like to share. For those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed with Ehler's Danlos Syndrome Stage 3, which doesn't have a cure, right before my freshman year of college. Also I was diagnosed with anxiety in middle school. So whenever I'm excited, anxious, sad, or nervous, my lungs don't know how to adjust so I hyperventilate, kind of often. I also believe that I suffer from depression and bipolar disorder. I have a big problem with what people think of me and with self-harm since 6th grade.

This being said, Thursday night, August 25th, I was taken to the ER for the first time ever. I was stressing over everything and letting it have control over me. I couldn't breathe and was hyperventilating for a long time, so my friends drove me to the hospital. That was the first time I had ever been admitted to the hospital. I had to get an IV, which I was scared to get, take a breathing treatment, get medicine through the IV, get an EKG, get a chest x-ray, and they wanted to keep me overnight. They let me leave with a prescription to take for 10 days.

Like stated before, these past couple of days have been extremely hard. There's the whole cheer situation, relationships/friendships drama, nursing school situation , and my injuries. I know for sure I have to have two surgeries and possibly a third one. I've never had one before so it's stressing me out. If you know me, you know that I put sports above academics and my own health. It's not the smartest thing to do, but that's how important athletics is to me. I am so dedicated when it comes to a sport that I love. I injured my knee in cheer, which is one of the things I have to get surgery on, in February. I injured my ankle in cheer, which is a possible surgery, in October. I did therapy for both over the summer and it did not work for either one of them. That's very stressful to m , to know that if I don't get this surgery then it will hurt to walk all the time or even just sitting down.

There has been a lot of rumors going around about me and my best friend. However, those same people who are spreading rumors were once friends. They also were not there during the times that they are speaking of, meaning that everything is he said, she said. Although I know everything that they said/say is not true, it still hurts to know that this is what they think of me. I'm a really sensitive person, but I do not like for other people to know that. I've always been the type of person to keep everything in for a long time, and then explode. I "numb" myself, meaning I eliminate all feelings towards anything. Unfortunately, that makes people think that I don't care about them or the situation. In reality, it makes me feel better because I'd rather have "no feeling," than be upset all the time about something.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking and getting so overwhelmed to the point that I stopped caring about sports, school, people, and even myself. I just wanted to go home and give up on everything. However, I believe that God has been talking to me through people. Someone close to me told me to watch something on Netflix with him, and on an episode, a lady was talking about not giving up just because things are going your way. She said it should motivate you, not defeat you. The next day there was a meeting that I had to attend at school. In this meeting, the man was talking and he mentioned a few topics that related to my life exactly. I think that I was meant to be in that meeting. It was meant for me to watch that show on Netflix. God used these things and people to get my attention.

I've been wanting to read the Bible and understand it better for a while now, but I kept putting it off. After all of these things occurred, I decided that it was time. Last night, August 29th, I went to go buy my own Bible and got together with a couple of friends and read 2 Chronicles 22. We read the whole chapter and put into terms that we can understand. I started a journal with the breakdown of this chapter, and I plan to continue to add to it daily. I've decided that this is something I will do every single day . I think that it's time I change my life around for not only me, but the people that I have a big influence on. God has a plan for me and I do not want to miss out on it because I am ignoring the signs.