When someone passes away people tend to not know what to say, especially when it happens in an unexpected and terrible way. A lot of this is due to the fact that tensions and emotions are high; causing people to say things that they normally wouldn't because there isn't anything to fill the void. There were a lot of things that people said to me after my dad passed away. Some of these things were helpful, and some of it ended up hurting rather than it helping. There was, however, one thing that people kept bringing up that I never thought of as a bad thing until recently. Change. People constantly told me not to change, and would make comments about how different I had become. There was always this tone of voice that they carried that told me that the idea of me changing because of what happened broke their heart. As this continued to happen, I became more and more insecure about who I was and began to question whether or not I was grieving in the "right way". Until one day I realized one simple fact; I am proud of who I am and who I became because of what happened.
Grief made me stronger in ways I never could have imagined. There were things that I found myself doing that I would have never expected myself to do. Some things were big, like going back to school in another state weeks after he passed away, or going through the details of the next steps for my family and I. Others were small, like learning how to fix things without calling my dad to tell me how to do it, or telling my teachers what happened so that they would understand why I had to miss class so that I could go home temporarily.
It also made me want to be a better version of myself. I have never had a better motivation to be a better person than I did when it occurred to me that no matter what happened, or what will happen, I don't want to disappoint my dad. He expected so much of me, that sometimes I think that his goals for me are almost unattainable. Knowing that these were the standards that he had set for me has made me want to prove that even without him being there to support me, I am still everything he wanted me to be and nothing less than that.Grief gave me a better respect for life, and a need to show others just how precious it is. This is one thing that I struggle with a lot because I can feel God pulling me to reach out to others and tell them what happened. He has filled me with a need to be more open with others, and put myself out there so that other people won't have to go through the same terrible thing I have had to watch so many loved ones face. I don't want my dads memory to slowly pass away. I want people to remember him. Part of this involves me being more willing to be open about everything, no matter how hard that may be.
One of the most positive changes this had on my life can easily be misconstrued as a negative thing. It made me more sensitive. There are still days when I cry more often then I feel I should, or something triggers me and I get upset. But that is not what I want to emphasize. What I want to focus on instead, is that being more sensitive has made me more understanding, and more willing to support other people. It forced me to see that what may not seem like a big deal to you could make someone else feel like their entire world is crashing down on them.
Grief taught me that the small problems don't matter, but sometimes the tiniest micro-stressor is just what you need to push you over the edge. Understanding how much small things have affected me has taught me that you should truly listen to people when they tell you how they are feeling. It has taught me that you can never truly understand what someone else is going through, so it is important to just be there, and understand that whatever they are feeling is very real to them.
Lastly, grief has allowed me grow in my faith. There has definitely been more than one day when I mad at God. There were days when I wanted to scream at people for telling me that I would see my dad again one day, or that he was in a better place now. There were also days when I questioned my faith. Then there were the quiet times, when I would talk to God, or read my bible. Slowly I began realized that these were the times that I have the most (if any) clarity. These were the moments when things started to make sense, and I felt at peace. Having the knowledge that my dad is in heaven did help with the growth of my faith, but it is so much more than just that. It was more like, God opened a closet door for me to put my troubles in. Allowing me to let him sort through them because I can't. In time this has allowed me to learn how to be happy again. Without the guilt of being happy without my dad. It has also allowed me to have a safe place and to understand that sometimes I can't do it on my own, and that's okay. None of the positive changes I have within myself came directly from me, but rather from something bigger than me.
If there is only one thing I understand about life at this point, it's that it changes you. For good or for bad, every single thing that happens in your life is shaping you into the person you were always meant to be. We were not made to stay the same person throughout our entire life. We are supposed to grow and mature and let our experiences shape us. So yes, what happened changed me. Some changes were definitely negative, and I am working on them. I still have me moments of anger, fear, and sadness. However, as time goes on the positive changes are beginning to overcome the negative. I recognize that I am not the person I was before, nor will I ever be. A feeling that has caused me a lot of internal conflict. However, I have come to the conclusion that God gives us the people that we love with the hope that they will shape us throughout the course of our life. This change is something that should continue even when they are no longer by our side.
