Catholicism has been central to my life from day 1. I was raised in South Philadelphia where you don't call neighborhoods by their name, but by their parish. I was raised in St. Monica's parish, which unofficially borders south of Passyunk Ave., west of Broad Street, and stops at 18th and Moyamensing, which is where St. Richard's parish begins. Therefore, I went to St. Monica's pre-school, kindergarten, elementary, and middle school, spending in total 10 years learning at St. Monica's. I then went on to a Catholic high school for another 4 years. I broke the streak by attending a public university, Temple University.

I'm able to recite every prayer in the church, I know the history of the Catholic church inside and out, I can list off the modern day contributions that monks gave to us, I know St. Monica was an alcoholic, and her son was a heretic before becoming one of the greatest philosophers, Mother Teresa of Calcutta spent her whole life questioning the existence of God, I know about the Pope's infallible teachings and I know how to interpret the Bible.

The one thing I never knew about my church? A large number of sexual abusers in the priest network throughout the world. The other thing I didn't know? That in my lifetime the Catholic church tried to cover them up.

The first time I learned about the extent of the sexual abuse within the church was through the Academy Award winner movie Spotlight.Watching this movie showed me the ugly side of the church in which I was brought up by. Then this past August, a report came out that bishops and other leaders of the church covered up child sexual abuse by more than 300 priests in a period of over 70 years. I know about the corruption of the church throughout history, the Avignon Papacy, popes having multiple mistresses, selling of indulgences, but these events happened hundreds and hundreds of years ago. The year is now 2018, I know the Catholic church isn't perfect, but I would never have expected the vastness of the underlying corruption that is just now spilling over.

Attending Catholic school gave me my foundations and helped form the person I am today, all of a sudden, the building blocks of these foundations fell apart, one by one. 3 years ago I would wonder why so many people so strongly disliked the Catholic Church, a church where I would go to mass and feel immediate serenity, where I found solace in prayer and seeking advice from community priests. Now, today, I fully understand why so many people are falling away from the Church, it's become commonplace for the people around me to declare themselves atheists, a word that used to ring in my ears like a curse word, but now a word that rolls of my tongue with ease.

As more and more stories and coverage of the sexual abuse cover-up in Pennsylvania get revealed, stories that do not even come as a surprise to me, I learn of the details of those brave enough to tell of what they went through, and with each detail, my faith weakens.

The most disappointing of all is the reaction of Pope Francis. Pope Francis, a man I waited in the freezing cold for hours to see a glimpse of, the man who I waited excitedly to see emerge on the balcony after he was picked to be pope, a modern pope who accepted LGBT+ people and found joy in talking to children and kissing babies.

Since the age of 3, I've been conditioned not to commit sins, follow the 10 commandments, and heard daily my teachers praise of the Catholic Church and the priests and bishops of the community. I've tried to be the best Catholic I could be, but the clergy of the Church, the people who drilled these very same beliefs and rules into me, committed these unspeakable acts.

It is becoming difficult to see the Catholic church for all its good anymore, I'm losing faith.