This is a personal essay on the influence of essential tremors in my life and is not intendedto be taken as a serious medical fact for everyone.

A fun fact for those of you who don’t know, March is National Essential Tremor Awareness month. Obviously it is not March, but -- as my neurologist handed pamphlet states -- it’s never a bad time to raise awareness. Essential Tremors (ET) was also known as Benign Familial Tremors or Hereditary Tremors and to put it plainly it’s essentially tremors. Essential Tremors is a progressive neurological condition that causes a shaking within the hands, head, voice or legs and in some cases an internal shaking is reported. Essential Tremors are most normally confused with Parkinson’s but is more common and while Parkinson’s lessens with more movement, ET worsens with movement and strain. The normal age for Essential Tremors to begin showing signs is mid-to-late 40s but even children can be affected by Essential Tremors. Children like my fourth-grade-self handing a milk carton in the stuffy cafeteria when someone says “Geez Abby, how can you be cold right now?” leaving me confused.

That was the first sign of my Essential Tremors. It wasn’t a big deal; I went home and told my mother who said it didn’t look like I was shaking. It would become a passive mention every now and then until it came up more and more. A solid notice in eighth grade when we tried an egg balance race at a family reunion, spoiler alert: I didn’t win. I remember feeling so frustrated because I couldn’t get the egg on the spoon. A scheduled visit to a neurologist and an MRI later would confirm it. An eighth grader hearing the words ‘neurological disorder’ can interpret a lot of different things. For me it was a, “I’m wired wrong,” feeling followed with a rabbit hole of research reading medication side effects and finding a special spoon that normalizes movement. After that it was nice having a name for why I shook so much. Sure it was weird but I was growing used to it and it still wasn’t that bad, unless I was nervous or giving a speech or lifting anything over about two pounds with one hand. I had accepted that I could never be a waitress because I’d spill the glasses and needed extra time on tests because controlling my hand into writing was difficult and resulted in a lot of cramps. I would always get the question of “Why are you so nervous?” but these were things I could deal with; until it got worse. In senior year I began typing my tests and papers because open ended questions were painful but even with a keyboard I’d miss random keys and sometimes get so frustrated I just throw my hands on it. I couldn’t eat certain foods in public because I’d have to brace my hands and eat soup with two to get it from bowl to mouth. I noticed a new tremor in my head and decided it was time to look for some help.

I had always stayed away from medications because of the frightening side effects and fear that as a progressive condition, it would outgrow the medication before worsening. By this point, I was going off to college and would like to not be known as the weirdo with shaky hands. I knew realistically the tremors would never go away completely but some help would be appreciated. I can’t speak for everyone and personally I still have problems with threading needles or doing basic things. I’m still slower than everyone else and may never win an egg balance race but I stopped shaking my head unconsciously and I can now eat soup with one hand and without losing all the broth. Texting still requires a modified grip on my phone and I thank whoever invented auto-correct for the insane amount of missed keys.

Essential Tremors isn’t as bad as it could be. Eventually it will get worse but even then as far as neurological disorders go, it’s not as bad as it could be and for that I’m grateful. That being said it comes with its pet peeves and troubles and branched into anxiety, like my panic when I’m not prepared for the checkout line and think I look like someone going through withdrawal. A pamphlet might tell you to take a breath and accept the fact that the people behind you are going to have to wait while you take your time. I have yet to fully take that advice and instead work harder to already have my money out feeling guilty and apologizing every time. I’ve learned that timing is imperative anytime I try to do quick movements. I have to work with my tremors and accept when something will not get done instantaneously.

So now, I work on awareness and strength in numbers. For all the people out there with earthquakes in their hands and jitters in their brains: please know that you are not wired wrong. We got the shorter end of the stick on ridiculously inconvenient conditions and it might get worse but when you get frustrated because someone has told you “Don’t be so nervous.” for the fourth time that day; take a breath, crack your knuckles, and try to stop missing keys on your keyboard again. People might not get it or say “I shake too.” And you might think they can’t understand but there are some people out there who do. People like me who’ve stopped writing this article at least three times and have 118 red marks from misspellings where I’ve missed keys. So get frustrated and understand that there are people you can find and talk to that really can relate, people who've held up a line, people who've felt guilty for complaining about shaking, people who haven't stopped moving.