Wireless headphones. Great for working out, practical, wireless (if you missed that part), and most of all, modern. If someone is wearing wireless headphones in the gym you’ll probably think to yourself, “Yeah they must know the perfect form”. Or if you see a hairdo in a suit with them you might think, “They must not have a hand to spare amidst their excruciating workload and next coffee break”.
Well that may be true but let me share with you how they will impede upon your success, social life, and music listening ability. I know this because a few weeks ago I invested in a pair of wireless headphones and immediately bought into and felt the following consequences of modernization.
- I’ve got a job. This job requires me to make phone calls periodically throughout the day. Well, lucky for me my wireless headphones have a microphone on the volume control, which means I am now hands-free. Immediately you may think this will increase my productivity, efficiency, and throughput. Wrong. In fact, I account the time that I spend on the phone to my after-work cardio sessions. Now that I am hands-free I get to wave my hands all around enthusiastically like I never have before! It’s great except for the fact that the engineers around me probably think that I am practicing for my side job as a mime.
- Every time someone opens up their wallet and slides their nice piece of plastic through the card reader for the purchase of wireless headphones, Apple Inc. reinforces the fact that all of us bandwagon, cultish, greedy Americans, who need the newest and best iPhone, will soon be losing their 3.5mm headphone jack. Remember those $300 Beats you got last Christmas? They’re going to soon serve as a really REALLY nice paperweight.
- When the batteries die your headphones are useless until you can recharge them. Not only do you have to wait to charge them but here is a quick lesson in rechargeable batteries. You have cathodes and anodes. When you charge your battery the ions flow from the cathode to anode when you use your battery the ions flow from the anode back to the cathode. This reversed flow eventually wears out the cathodes, which will eventually leave you with 30 minutes of charge to complete your workout. Good luck.
- If you share an office space with other people but you really want to listen to Drake’s new album what do you do? Pop in your headphones and jam. Now your boss asks to see you so you take your wireless headphone out and leave them hanging around your neck. Once you get out of Bluetooth range of your iPhone, your whole office will be listening to Views… I hope they enjoy it.
- Finally, if you were looking for a solution to the fact that as soon as you put your 3 foot headphone cord so delicately into your pocket, rolled in a tight circle with no chance of unraveling, they will immediately be tangled into, what I believe to be the wiry mesh of Satan’s cloth, look further. Although they are a foot shorter, you can be sure that the 2-foot headphone cord so delicately placed in your pocket, rolled in a tight circle with no chance of unraveling, will end up exactly how your old ones did.
