“Mirror Mirror on the wall

You seem to think you know it all

Why do why do I believe?

You tear me down just to laugh

But if I break your shining glass

I’ll just see pieces of me

No, no, no don’t you dare

Who do you think you are standing there?

I’ll tell you I am I am I am

Worthy of love

Am I am I am I am I

Strong enough?

Because it feels like I’m not anything at all

But I am I am I am I am

Beautiful…”-JoJo (Mad Love) I am

Two of my biggest weaknesses in life have been my fear of myself, and my selflessness, aka, my ability to put everyone else before me.

I used to see my selflessness as this great virtue but in reality, it was a way to deflect away from my real problem: I was scared of me. I’ve always been that kid who had big dreams but absolutely NO follow through or anyone who ever truly supported what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. I wanted to be a doctor but, I told myself I wasn’t smart enough, I didn’t have enough money for medical school, I wasn’t competitive enough, I didn’t have the standout personality or a standout resume. I didn’t have connections or friends in high places. So, I did what I do best, I deflected to my comfort zone of ‘well, that just wasn’t for me’.

I fed into so many lies from relatives, teachers, friends and people who meant well who said, ‘Well if you’re like this, you can’t have that’ and ‘You’re so pretty, why are you doing this when you could be doing that; it’s more in your league,” or “girl, you know your folks don’t have the money to do that! Why don’t you just get a job and do _____”. I never really stopped and looked in the mirror to see who I (or God) wanted me to be. I’ve spent my whole life searching for acceptance because nobody ever really liked me for me. Everybody saw parts of me that they liked or things they thought they could make better, but nobody stopped to get to know me or asked me for my opinion on my life. They just did what they felt was best, never stopping to think that I would have to live with their actions and decisions.

Somewhere down the line, I became this shy, quiet, never liked putting on clothes, deep thinking person, who had a good word and a good answer for everyone, but when it came down to myself I was my own worst enemy. If I can be honest, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing most days, but people seem to think differently. I mean, I’ve accomplished and overcome so many things but, I still struggle. I am anxiety ridden, I am constantly judging myself, pushing myself to be better and some days, I’m not sure if it’s for me or for everybody else. I’m so quick to default into my corner of ‘I just don’t wanna be bothered’. I use the fact that I’m an introvert to placate for the fact that I can’t deal with going out with friends because I’m scared I’ll end up comparing myself to them and what they have and where they are in life to where I am.

So I sit and write and think about all of the things I wanna do for myself and I do them…sometimes. I mean, there are days when I actually get the courage to get out of bed and hit the ground running…but then I burn out easily, or I fall off of my routine, or that tiny little voice in my head, my anxiety, curls deep within my stomach and starts replaying all of my thoughts of how I’ll never be good enough, of all of my mess-ups and mistakes, and failures. And when that happens…I plateau and I either stay there or, I fall back on what’s familiar. Which always leads to me being a mess by New Year’s Eve, desperate for the New Year to be less disappointing than the year before. I always end up doing this deep self-reevaluation and I make plans about how I’ll be better. Sometimes it works, and other times…I fail and struggle greatly.

So this New Year’s, I decided that I didn’t wanna make any resolutions or promises to myself. I mean I have things I wanna do, goals I wish to accomplish but…I’m too scared to put them out there in the Universe because every time, every single time I do, I face some sort of roadblock or I allow myself to default back to what’s comfortable. Still, in my heart, I feel this desperate need for change. So, I’m going to try this ‘goals for 2017’ thing again. Though, I’m doing it differently; I’m not publicly sharing my goals-I think that was part of my problem too, wanting and rushing to share my hopes and dreams with the world because I’m so damn desperate to receive approval from others because I’ve never really felt it. The only promise I make to myself is to fight to overcome my anxiety, to be truthful to myself, to not be afraid to soar or fly or even to fail. I promise to grow closer to God, to be kind and loving to others, to respect the world around me, and to not be afraid of me…