Greetings Readers! I have been given the wonderful opportunity to share with you a story from a fellow student.** Here is Ernesto Soto's story titled "Captain (The Individual Who Saved My Life)"
“If there’s even a slight chance at getting something that will make you happy, risk it. Life’s too short, and happiness is too rare.” – A.R. Lucas
Captain,
I like to give credit to your mentor. He was the catalysis of deep change that would make me the man I am today. He forced me out of my cocoon and gave me my wings to take flight. I could even say, “he freed me from my own cage.” You see, he had to deal with all of my insecurities, and he never got to see all of my best qualities.
Our relationship was a train wreck waiting to happen. We were polar opposites and we were at different stages in our lives. I wish I could have seen this sooner; it would have saved us from our pain. Honestly, I was a piece of shit. I will always be apologetic because he did not deserve me. Truly, I was not ready to be in a relationship, and I had to learn that lesson the hard way.
Though I do admit all of my faults in that relationship, I wish he had the guts to admit all of his. It takes two to tango, but it is ok. He showed me a glaring fault of who I was. That I was scared to open up. Most importantly, I was scared to give someone my heart. I thought, if I could keep my guard up I could save myself from getting hurt. My mindset was faulty, but I did give him a piece of me.
Honestly, he used me for what I had to give and not for who I was. I understand that it was unintentional because his mind was not in the right place to make adult decisions. Nevertheless, I felt betrayed. Regardless, I needed to experience this because I needed to change. I knew this betrayal would make me or break me. Honestly… he shattered me into tiny glass pieces. Not only that, I have the scars to prove it. After picking up the pieces of my heart, I realize that I could be a better person than I originally thought. I was a fool to think I was the best I can be. I needed to be shattered so I could rebuild myself and look at which pieces of myself were necessary so I could be the person that I deserved to be. To your mentor, I am sorry. I hope you can forgive me. Till this day, I still do not forgive myself for who I was and what I put your mentor through.
After I picked up my pieces, I would become obsolete to many people within my age bracket. Honestly, my growth was exponential. I found it difficult for me to get into relationships because I would not compromise. I believe, a real relationship should be between two people who complement each other. I do not believe in meeting someone who “completes” you. There is no such thing as that. I believe the person who you meet should make you be the best individual you deserve to be. This is why I could not meet people halfway; most of them could not make me be a better man. I acknowledge and recognize that I am not perfect. Nevertheless, I will continue to chip away at my insecurities so I can be the man I deserve to be and for my future significant other. Hopefully, the perfect husband.
So, how does this relate to you? Well, after my last attempt at a relationship, which ended with me giving him the hardcore truth about his glaring insecurity, I told myself that I would stop trying with men and focus on myself. I am a senior and it is time for me to focus on graduation. I said, “After I graduate from UWS and move to a new place for graduate school, I will go out and find someone. Hopefully I'll find someone.” Though I did find someone but it was a transfer student who was concluding their first semester at UWS…
I remember the first time we met. I was people watching with my mentee and I watched you and your group of friends walk into the cafeteria. I thought to myself, it is another “pocket group” of queer kids (I knew that not all of them were queer). Until, I laid my eyes on you and I thought to myself, wow. He is kind of cute. He reminds me of an actor—My thought was interrupted when you looked over at me and gave me a wink. Honestly, you took me by surprise. It was after that moment, I wanted to get to know you. After the fact, you revealed to me that it was a dare but I am glad your friend made you do it. I commanded myself from going over to you because I had already made up mind to wait on finding a guy after I leave UWS. However, I stole many glances over to you. I commanded myself to relinquish any ideas of maneuvering myself to you. Everything changed when you added me on Facebook. Soon after, the time that we would spend together would change me. Hopefully, it would change you.
One thing that I cannot lie about is that I let you into my heart. What I did not expect to happen was the impact you made on my soul. I made the conscious decision to let you in and I knew it would become significantly difficult to thrust you out. I believe that being vulnerable is one of the key pieces in having a relationship that has substance. Currently, we live in a “hook up” generation and many people are not trying to find their soulmate. I took the risk and showed my vulnerability to you. The result of this would change me and I did not even see this coming. Your presence would illuminate the deep confines of my mind and my heart. After all, we could relate to each other in different aspects of each other lives. One thing that connected us…was the pain we have felt and the pain we are, currently, feeling. After all, pain is a universal feeling. This made it easy for us to connect and share some of our most intimate stories. Life, for us, has never been a walk in the park. We went to hell and back. Sometimes, more than once. Though, the short amount of time that we spent will always be precious to me. It is difficult to find people who can say, “I can relate.”
Captain, you showed me the glaring fault that I thought was fixed. I was a fool. I can be open about me, my life, and my actions, but not my feelings. In other words, I cannot be vulnerable. Like many people, I cannot express the most intimate of my emotions. I have yet to explore the deepest corners of my heart. Though, you have paved the road that has led me to… fall for you. As I discover more about myself, my feelings for you expand and take their place into the deepest confines of my heart. Needless to say, you make me feel like I am the only one in the world.
Now, I am torn. Remember the letter that I wrote to you? My heart spoke through my writing. Honestly, I have a strong affinity to you that I cannot settle with just being friends. I know I said that I would respect our friendship. I am but I am a fool. I cannot settle with us being friends because my feelings for you are significant and powerful. Most importantly, they are real. I think about you every day yet it is easier on my heart to not speak to you so I would not have to feel my pain. Right now, I feel like I am carrying the world. Rather, the world has settled on my heart. My heart is so heavy that I wake up in the middle of the night with tears. I thought it would be easier to settle but I was a fool to invalidate my emotions.
Unfortunately, I have bad luck with men and it sucks! I have a heart that is fragile and gentle, but packs-a-punch. When you told me that you were not in a position to be pursuing a relationship. Internally, I died. That phrase haunts me. I feel like I have been struck down but it was not firm. At least, I do not think so. After all, you are the one keeping an open mind about us. So, I believe that I still have a chance with you. Yet, we do not talk a lot. Our in-person conversations are few but they are detailed and powerful. I would love for us to have more of those but you do not make an effort to set up a time even when I try to make time. At the beginning, we had finals and we were busy. Now that finals are over, I feel like I have to continuously keep contact and start the conversations. Sometimes, I feel like I am talking to a brick wall. I know. You warned me this would happen but I know we could have insightful conversations. Cause we have had them.
In reality, I want to be with you. I want to call you my man. I want to give you my companionship and affection. Though, I feel like you are trying to push me away. I feel like, you do not feel the same way as I do. Though, I know your mind is clouded by many things. Personally, I understand. Cause I have been through those similar clouds. That is why I am patient because I know it is difficult to maneuver yourself through them. Not only that, I see the way you look at me. Sometimes, my world stops moving because of the way you look at me. Gosh, when I make you smile… I faint. Nevertheless, I know you have an affinity to me. All I ask, do not push me away because I will not push you away.
Unfortunately, if you do end up pushing me away or declining a future of Us. I will have to take a step back and need my space to focus on moving on (if you decline a future of us). Reason being, I just cannot handle the daily ache in my heart. It sucks. It freaking sucks. Most importantly, I cannot fathom the idea of me seeing you with another man. Well… not until I just figure it out. Fortunately, I will always be there for you because it is who I am. If this makes me sound like a fool, then so be it. Honestly, I am someone who loves everyone. Regardless, if they have caused me pain; I do not hold grudges. Remember, you have helped me in numerous ways. To mention one of them, you became a catalysis for my growth. Never in my life, I thought, would I ever be able to write out my emotions for someone. I know. I can do better than this but it is a step in the right direction. Soon, I will be able to express myself in the most vulnerable way possible. That is by speaking and doing. I know. I came into your life at the wrong time, yet it can be viewed as the right time. Though, it is your choice to see it in either perspective. You may see it as both. I do.
Fortunately, if you accept the companionship and the affection that I have to offer then WOOT WOOT. Haha. Our relationship will be prosperous and precious. You will come to learn that I care like a mother, support like a father, and fight like a lover. After all, I am me. I am being authentic. You will discover, if you have not already, that I am passionate. Passionate for my significant others and for what I do.
Honestly, I followed my heart so I can lose my mind. Honestly, I have. For you. Again, I will always support you on your incline to success. Remember, I will never treat you with such disgusting disrespect like those so-called, “men” did to you. Ultimately, you deserve to be happy and if it is not with me then I wish you all the best.
Best Wishes,
For my readers, I call him Captain because the actor that he reminded me of was Chris Evans. Who plays, Captain America. Also, I would like to reveal that… he let me down gently. He has stated that we should be friends. Obviously, it hurt. In reality, hurt is an understatement. Luckily, he did not shatter me… he cracked me. Internally, this is how I look and feel. Cracked. However, I know that everything will get better and… everything will be ok. I know that I could give him all my heart but that would not matter if I could not, effectively, communicate with him. I felt like I just could not talk to him, the right way. Maybe, I was not the individual he expected. In reality, I do not know. I know I did not do my best. However, my reality happened when I had to come to terms with my predicament. Fortunately, I continued to pursue him because I saw that I had a slight chance of getting him because he made me, surprisingly, happy and I would risk everything for the feelings that he made me feel and that I felt for him. Why? Life is too short, and happiness is too rare. To Captain, you are ambitious and I love that about you. I know that you have focused yourself to attend to your goals. You got this. I respect the decision that you have made and I cannot wait to see who you become. As for me, I will continue to grow and see that my little nephew grows to be the best individual that he deserves to be.
P.S. I will not forget… you.
** All content was written and given by Ernesto Soto of University of Wisconsin Superior. This is NOT my original work and I, Sam K Yeskis-West take no credit in this story or its contents.
