Ezekiel Elliot, I cannot stand you. The crop top jersey, and the numerous endzone celebrations after having already scored multiple times. I thought that was over with, done, but I was sorely mistaken.

When you rushed for 220 yards in the 2014 Big Ten Championship Game against Wisconsin, then went for 230 and 246 against #1 Alabama and #2 Oregon respectively, not to mention scoring EIGHT times within these three games, I have to admit I was blown away. I was a junior in high school and a fan of the game, so I lived for these kinds of breakout performances.

The following winter, when I decided to go to the U of M, I realized that you weren’t gonna keep Harbaugh and the boys up at night, which made me feel pretty positive for the time being. But then, the April NFL Draft happened, and guess who went 4th overall to the Dallas Cowboys, the only team I dread more than your alma mater Ohio State Buckeyes? You, Zeke.

You did it. You went from playing for my least favorite college team to playing for my least favorite pro team in one fell swoop, and not only did this happen, you’re now the NFL’s leading rusher on the team with the best record in the NFL as a ROOKIE! You and Dak Prescott are the lead candidates for Rookie of the Year, a step ahead of my boy Carson Wentz--not to mention you’re now both in the MVP conversation!! Dak could barely lead Mississippi State to a winning record in college, but so far, your Cowboys have beaten Green Bay at Lambeau Field, Pittsburgh at Heinz Field, and most importantly my Philadelphia Eagles, in overtime, as some of your signature wins. Who in their right mind would have thought after Tony Romo got hurt, you would lead them to an 8-1 record?

Now, after hearing all these ESPN analysts rave about your games in college, I have to hear it from ALL of the Cowboy lovers out there, which is about a hundred times worse than hearing it from Buckeye fans. You have given people such as Skip Bayless, Troy Aikman, and Jerry Jones among others so much to smile about. I can’t forgive you for ruining my favorite sports TV channels, as nothing was more fulfilling to me than hearing desperate Cowboys fans trying to justify why their team is in last place. I was already so tired of hearing about their offensive line, Tony Romo, Dez Bryant, “America’s Team,” and now they’re all talking about you, a Buckeye.

Maybe it’s partly my fault. Even though I grew up in New York suburbia and consider myself a New Yorker all the way, my family forced me as a child to swear my allegiance to the Eagles, which really was the only Philadelphia sports team I could feasibly root for, given how abysmal they’ve all been in the past 6-7 years. Now I’m a proud student at the greatest university in the world, so naturally I’m all about the Maize and Blue. You, Zeke, have destroyed my Wolverines as well as the rest of the competition in college and now you’re running over every NFL team in your path, my Eagles included, and for that, I am at a loss of words.

In hindsight, the Eagles had the 2nd pick! We could’ve picked you! But of course I didn’t think it would be smart. You were undersized, we needed a quarterback, and you played for Ohio State. I even doubted you in fantasy football, when I decided to pass up on you twice for Deandre Hopkins and Alshon Jeffery, who have carried my squad to a robust 3-8 record, equal to last place in my league (for the record, both of them were such busts they’re no longer on my team). Now, you’re single-handedly carrying a playoff team in my league while I sit in my dorm room and cry about how my fantasy team can’t break one hundred points in a PPR (point-per-reception) league.

So for the time being, it seems like you’re probably gonna have a long career, one that makes you more than worthy of being a Hall of Famer, so maybe the jokes on me. However, Wentz is a good rookie quarterback, and probably poised for greatness himself, so I can’t be mad at all about drafting him. I am hopeful the Eagles front office, now that crazy Chip ain’t around anymore, will build a stronger team around Wentz so I can look forward to us beating up on you in future NFC East battles.

So Zeke, this was really never made to work, and I think you and I should blame bad timing more than anything. It’s pure coincidence that the year I started going to Michigan was the year you started playing for Big D, and I guess I can’t really fault you for that. Maybe I’m also just a butthurt Eagles/Wolverines fan, but I’m kind of allowed to be. The Eagles have never won a Super Bowl while Dallas has won 5, and the last time Michigan won the National Championship was the year before I was born. Your Buckeyes are just two years removed from your latest Championship, and you were a leading cause for that victory.

I can’t stand you Zeke, but I think you are truly a special player, and I’ll be sure to never pass on you again if you’re available in my next fantasy draft, even though you are my perpetual rival. I hope you have a long NFL career with a lot of success, as long as you and your Cowboys make sure to lose to my Eagles and never make the Superbowl. And also, I hope your Buckeyes get destroyed in Columbus next Saturday by yours truly, cause that would be spectacular for our run at the playoff. Thanks Zeke!