Making decisions about my future gives me hives.

I’m trying to write more about things that don’t pertain specifically to me, but this particular topic has put my whole life in a state of anxiety-induced slow motion and I think I might not be the only one with this problem. And I was also thinking that if I put it out into the universe, I might actually come up with some solutions.

I dread the emails we get that tell us when we’re allowed to pick our courses for the upcoming semester—not because I have an issue with the classes themselves, but because the thought of clicking the ‘Submit’ button to solidify plans that will eventually lead me to graduation and my future career terrifies me. This then leads to me waiting until the last possible moment to sign up for classes. And since most people will have already done this I have limited options, which stresses me out even more.

I do the same thing with applications for jobs and internships and I can’t seem to stop, even though I desperately want to.

I’ve tried to figure out exactly what it is that keeps me from doing important decision-y things. The best way for me to describe what happens is that I have an invisible, tangible wall that comes up when I need to do these important things. It seems impenetrable at first, but I’ve found ways around it from time to time.

Sometimes all I need to do is wait for a while and the wall will dissolve on its own and I’ll do the thing I was so stressed about and be amazed about how easy it was to finish it in the end.

Other times, I need fear to give me a boost over the wall. To do this, I usually wait until the deadline for the important decision thing or until my anxiety about it kicks my motivation into overdrive. This isn’t my preferred method in terms of mental health, but it’s the one I often resort to because it’s the only option I can manage.

Logic rarely helps in the wall scenario, mostly because logic usually says that I should just do the thing and my brain rebels against this because, for some unfathomable reason, it’s not that easy.

It’s so, so frustrating.

Because when something this ridiculous hinders your life, you go around every day knowing you’re not reaching your full potential. And when you see people who can get around their walls without the difficulty you have—or better yet, don’t have those walls at all—it feels unfair, even though you know the walls aren’t real and the only thing keeping you from doing the important decision-y things is you.

When I’m faced with a situation where my wall won’t come down and I’m at a standstill, I try to combat it by doing smaller, more manageable things. (Disclaimer, sometimes these small tasks are literally as small as me making tea and wiping down the kitchen counter.) I don’t think these are necessarily the best ways to keep your life moving, but at least I get that feeling that I’ve done something.

So for now, I’m going to continue on and attempt to continue doing the important things and making my decisions to the best of my ability, even when they seem really big and looming and like they’ll definitely have a big impact on my future. And if anyone owns a bulldozer that specializes in breaking down motivation-blocking, anxiety-induced walls, I’d love to borrow it.