We’ve all heard the sayings, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and “Beauty on the inside is what really counts.” They’re normally just something we nod our heads at and act like we agree with; and, generally, we do agree. But for some of us, it’s just not that easy.
Like most people, I’ve always had the thoughts and doubts about myself and my looks, and even how others have perceived me. But unlike most people, I’ve felt like this for a while now. I still feel like I can’t ever do my makeup or hair good enough, or ever have the best outfit. Nothing I ever do seems to be enough for me, and I’m writing this because I know that I can’t be the only one who feels this way.
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I’ve been feeling like this for a long time, now, but all of these emotions and thoughts really didn’t come to a head until recently. I went somewhere with some friends one night, and it all went down hill from there. It started out as a normal Saturday night. I was running late, (as usual), and wasn’t satisfied with the way I looked (as usual). I didn’t have the cutest outfit on because it was laundry day, and I had run out of time to do my hair or finish my makeup, so my self-esteem was already low. Then, I went to a friend’s house to hangout with some other friends.
As conversations went on throughout the night, multiple comments were made to another girl about how pretty she looked that night, and just in general. As I sat there and acted like I was having fun, I tried to laugh and smile through the fact that I had noticed the compliments. I know that nobody was trying to exclude me or make me feel inferior, but that didn’t change the fact that I felt as if I was.
That night changed a lot of things for me. On the ride home, I began to have thoughts that I had never had before about myself. I began to think about crash diets, dying my hair, and getting a membership to the tanning bed. Then I began to ask myself why I thought that any of this would help, and my thoughts continued to get worse. I thought about a nose job and other various methods of plastic surgery that maybe I could get in the far future to maybe one day make myself feel pretty. I felt as if I needed to reconstruct myself in order to meet some standard of beauty.
After I got home, I totally fell apart. I sat in my bed and just cried. I cried alone, to myself, and asked God why I was so ugly. I just don’t understand how He could make some people so beautiful and others so not beautiful; others like me. I just didn’t understand.
Anyone who knows me well knows how I like to do my makeup. I don’t like to be in the bathroom with all of the lights on or right up to the mirror. I like to sit on the floor in front of my cloudy, broken mirror, with barely any lights on. People always ask me why I do this, and I always just say something stupid or make something up until they quit asking me. But to be honest, I do this because I don’t want to see my face. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing my terrible eyebrows, all of my acne, or the terrible bags under my eyes. I just try to slap on enough cover-up to be able to leave my house without wanting to wear a ski mask.
Things like these are very hard for me to write about and admit to others and myself, but I believe that I can’t be the only one who does stuff like this. I like to think that there are indeed other people out there who feel like they’re stuck in a hole that they can’t possibly ever get out of. And I know that this isn’t the happiest thing to read or maybe the most interesting, but I know that I can’t be the only one who always feels like the ugliest person in the room.
Today, I’m not feeling any better, to be honest. Today, I am only trying to take steps forward to, hopefully, one day get better. But, today, I am reaching out to finally tell people how I’ve always felt, and to maybe find others who feel the same way.
Today, I know that I am getting better because I am able to publish this. Hopefully, someone else out there will read this, (like you), and feel the same. Hopefully, someone else out there will also realize, like I do, that the journey to finding self-confidence and one-day feeling pretty might seem like a never ending one, but it will end one day. Hopefully, someone else will feel confident enough today to finally admit feelings like mine and to finally start their journey to happiness.
So, if you’re reading this and feeling like it’s a page from your diary, you need to remember that the path to self-confidence, and no longer feeling like you’re not pretty enough is rough, but it starts with doing as I have done, and recognizing your feelings. The beginning of the road to self-love is not loving yourself, but rather admitting that there was a point in time, (no matter how long ago or how recent), that you did not love yourself. It is only once we acknowledge that, that we can begin to embrace ourselves as we are. And one day, you and I will know that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, and that being beautiful on the inside really does count for something.
