As someone who has.. Ahem, MANY dietary issues, I know how frustrating it is to explain to people what it's like. Yes, I'm aware that red meat is probably very tasty to you. Yes, I know that regular milk tastes just a little bit different than lactose free and almond milk. And yes, I realize that I get a little sassy when this topic is brought up. No, I'm not going to stop eating the way I do, partly because I don't want to, but also because I kind of have to. Do you want me to blow up your bathroom? Yeah, didn't think so.
1. "When did you stop eating (insert food item here)?"
Well.. Once it started trying to kill my insides, I basically swore it off forever, so probably then.
2. "Don't you miss eating (insert food item here)?!"
3. "How do you survive without eating that?"
Well uh.. I'm here, aren't I? I'm surviving pretty well, thanks.
4. "Do you want a bite? Oh wait, sorry, I forgot!"
No caption needed. Just.. no.
5. "It's the holidays! Don't worry about it, you deserve a break."
If my dietary choices were optional and I was trying some weird diet, yeah maybe. Except my body told me no and not even holidays are an exception so I'll just eat the carrots, thanks.
6. "Wait, you don't eat that anymore? I thought you still did."
Nope, unfortunately not. I will send you an updated list of appropriate food items my body doesn't have on red alert. (Bonus points if this person is your grandma who, for the fourth year in a row, has forgotten you don't eat ham anymore at Christmas dinner. Hi nana! Love you!)
7. Every time you go over to a friend's house, you risk being impolite.
Explaining to someone why you aren't eating the roast they slaved over for two hours is very fun. And by fun, I mean awkward. Sorry Mrs. Rich, I forgot to let you know ahead of time that my stomach can only digest oxygen and water. (But shout out to the families that remember and plan ahead. You guys are seriously awesome.)
8. Going out to eat can be really challenging.
In a way, this can be a blessing in disguise. If there's limited options, you won't be tempted to eat that really rich dish, right? Except when your friends want to go out, it limits your options restaurant wise and you can feel like you're bringing down the group. Sorry guys, I need a place with PLENTY of vegetarian options.
9. Ordering something and finding out it has something in it you can't have.
Hahah HAHAHAIOAWEIJFEOAIJF. If I ordered green beans as a side, you'd think it'd just be the vegetable, right? But no, there's bacon in here (looking at you, Texas Roadhouse..). Why. WHY. I'm just trying to get my five fruits and veggies a day!
10. Trying not to be awkward about not being able to eat something that's served.
Hi yes, sorry I'm not eating this delicious looking thing. I just cannot and I'm going to devour everything else okay thank you.
11. Finding delicious recipes but then having to alter them to your needs.
This isn't always terrible because sometimes this actually gives you some of the best recipes you've ever had! But there's always that thought, 'What does it taste like the original way?'.
12. Hearing "Does anyone have any dietary restrictions?" from your professor before a class trip.
Yep. Yep I do. Let's talk after class, shall we?
