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A Candid Letter to My Best Friends Ex

Because this is the real form of torture you deserve.

Alyssa Hill

Mar 21, 2016

Central Methodist University

Reddit.com

What's up Asshat,

I've composed a list of things that I wish upon you, and they're harsh and cruel. These things are things that I wouldn't wish upon my worst of enemies, not even that Starbuck's barista who always screws up my order, not even him. You fall into a whole other category of hate. You surpass Starbucks barista. Congratulations, I'm actually a pretty nice person, making you worthy of every single bit of torture I wish upon you. What are these things I wish upon you you might ask?

1. I hope you get a unsatisfiable craving for Chick-fil-A on a Sunday.

2. I hope you go home with a 10, but then find out that she's a two.

3. I hope that two's original reaction to said hookup is, "Is that it?"

4. I hope you get put in a class with no curve, no extra credit and an attendance policy.

5. With clicker points.

6. And a sign in sheet, biotch.

7. I hope your Uber driver charges you an ungodly amount, and his car smells like moldy month old leftovers.

8. I hope that you get to Chipotle right as they run out of guacamole.

9. I hope that you get food poisoning off of pizza, and you're never able to eat it again.

10. I hope that you continuously get spammed by game invites on Facebook.

11. I hope that you only have one bar of super, insanely slow WI-FI for the rest of your life.

12. I hope that you get down to your last bite of Burrito, and it's nothing but a huge glob of sour cream.

13. I hope that you wear clothes that resemble the Jersey Shore cast every time you go out .

14. And everyone makes fun of you for it.

15. I hope that alcohol shoots out of your nose at the bar.

16. I hope that you forget your Netflix Password for the rest of your life.

17. I hope that you develop a predisposition to always hit "reply all" on group emails.

18. I hope that you always think you've found a close parking spot to your destination, and then discover there's a tiny car in them.

19. I hope that you gag on an extremely sharp french fry.

20. Or better yet, an ice cube, so you have to just sit there and wait for it to melt.

21. I hope that you never match with anyone on Tinder ever again.

Most of all, I hope that you realize that you lost one of the greatest people in this entire world. She's a saint, and I dare you to try to find someone as phenomenal as she is. You can go dip your toes in a blender now.

Sincerely,

Her Best Friend.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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A Candid Letter to My Best Friends Ex

Because this is the real form of torture you deserve.

1. I hope you get a unsatisfiable craving for Chick-fil-A on a Sunday.

2. I hope you go home with a 10, but then find out that she's a two.

3. I hope that two's original reaction to said hookup is, "Is that it?"

4. I hope you get put in a class with no curve, no extra credit and an attendance policy.

5. With clicker points.

6. And a sign in sheet, biotch.

7. I hope your Uber driver charges you an ungodly amount, and his car smells like moldy month old leftovers.

8. I hope that you get to Chipotle right as they run out of guacamole.

9. I hope that you get food poisoning off of pizza, and you're never able to eat it again.

10. I hope that you continuously get spammed by game invites on Facebook.

11. I hope that you only have one bar of super, insanely slow WI-FI for the rest of your life.

12. I hope that you get down to your last bite of Burrito, and it's nothing but a huge glob of sour cream.

13. I hope that you wear clothes that resemble the Jersey Shore cast every time you go out .

14. And everyone makes fun of you for it.

15. I hope that alcohol shoots out of your nose at the bar.

16. I hope that you forget your Netflix Password for the rest of your life.

17. I hope that you develop a predisposition to always hit "reply all" on group emails.

18. I hope that you always think you've found a close parking spot to your destination, and then discover there's a tiny car in them.

19. I hope that you gag on an extremely sharp french fry.

20. Or better yet, an ice cube, so you have to just sit there and wait for it to melt.

21. I hope that you never match with anyone on Tinder ever again.

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83% of my trends in college would have been shamed in high school.

1. Eat

2. Be seen running across campus

3. Sleep

4. Skip Class

5. Blurt out

6. Wear dresses

7. Wear Crocs

8.Run on 4 hours of sleep

9. Use a Laptop

10. Crying

Because smiling gives you wrinkles.

1. “When I first met you, I thought you were a b*tch.”

2. Somebody asks you if you’re mad at them at least once a day.

3. You always look unamused. Even when you are very amused.

4. Anna Wintour is your spirit animal.

5. You are never approached by people who are tabling on campus.

6. You have to practice smiling before you get your photo taken.

7. The word “judgmental” is thrown at you on the daily.

8. You make people visibly uncomfortable in section by glancing at them.

9. Your parents thought that this was just part of a teenage phase, but this is actually just your face.

10. Your face could get you out of jury duty.

It hits hard in college.

1. Excitement of the final year

2. Trying to take easy classes to make it out alive

3. Does attendance count for a grade?

4. Skipping once won't hurt me

5. Wait that is due?

6. I'm just trying to graduate

7. I'll just do this assignment during my other class

8. Patiently waiting

9. Rejection

10. Accepting that you might have gotten a degree for nothing

11. Probably should have studied for that test

12. Sanity > class

13. Finally an acceptance letter

14. Oh yeah, finals

15. Graduating!

You might not see them everyday anymore, but you're still friends and your text messages prove it.

1. "Should I skip class today?"

2. "Did you hear ________ is engaged?"

3. "When are you coming home?"

4. "I finally talked to the cute guy in my science lecture."

5. GIFs, on GIFs, on GIFs.

6. "I saw the cutest puppy on my walk to class this morning!"

7. "Do you remember when we ________ at ________?"

8. "I miss you."

Sometimes these things are both necessary and inevitable.

1. Spending their money - when they actually don't have any.

2. Take naps. Lots of naps.

3. Staying up late binge-watching a Netflix show when you have an early class.

4. Skip a class to do something completely unnecessary.

5. Putting all your homework off for the night before it's due just so you can do nothing for a night.

6. Going out on a Thursday night when you have a test the next day.

7. Making impulsive decisions.

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7. "Do you remember when we at ?"