I’m Jewish, but I don’t believe in God.

Does that make me a bad Jew? Can I still consider myself Jewish? These questions have been on my mind for as long as I can remember. I don’t know if I’ve ever believed in God. I’ve been raised Jewish my whole life, attending services and Hebrew School at a conservative temple, and from what I recall, I enjoyed it.

Something changed when I was 11 or 12, as if a switch inside of me was turned off and left me in the dark. I found it impossible to believe that a divine being existed after everything that happened in my life. Isn’t God supposed to be good? If God is real, why do bad things happen to me? I quickly decided that this God I learned about simply didn’t exist; therefore, I was an Atheist. From what I understood, you had to believe in God to be Jewish, so I wasn’t Jewish anymore.

I kept this to myself as I pretended to pray at services, intentionally avoiding the word or any reference to it with a subtle yawn or cough. When the subject came up in Hebrew School, I would outwardly pretend as if I believed what I was being taught, internally wanting to scream out that we were being taught complete bullshit. I didn’t believe in God, and I wanted to leave and never come back.

As much as I wanted to, I never said anything.

Fast forward to about two years ago, when I began a new Jewish journey. My family moved before I started high school, and we joined a new temple. That fall, one of my friends convinced me to go on a weekend retreat with the youth group at the temple. Little did I know this one event would be a turning point in my Jewish life. Despite my expectations, I thoroughly enjoyed the shabbaton, and continued to attend Havayah events. I began to grow closer to the friends I made and the Havayah staff as I involved myself more in the community.

This question remained on my mind as I attended JConnect classes with one of the rabbis, talked about spirituality on shabbatons, and in Challah Back Girls when we discussed this exact topic. Frequently, I found myself making comments that would suggest I felt this way towards God, but I was too afraid to reveal I didn’t believe in God, or to ask if this made me a bad Jew.

My mission to find my Jewish identity continued into my trip to the Holy Land this past summer. I immediately felt connected to Israel in a way so special I couldn’t even begin to put it into words. I knew this was because I’m Jewish. Everyone told me that Israel is my homeland, and I would feel it when I got there. I could talk about my trip forever, so I won’t begin that train of thought. By the fourth week of the trip, I had learned so much about myself and where I felt I belonged in Judaism. That Shabbat was spent in the city of Tzfat, where we were given the opportunity to have an open discussion with Yitzhak, the president of the company that ran our trip. I took this as my chance to ask the question.

In all honesty, I don’t know what I was expecting him to respond with. Nevertheless, I was completely taken aback by his rather harsh response. In short, no, you had to believe in God to be Jewish. My brain completely went into overdrive, thinking of ways to respond and comprehend what Yitzhak was saying.

I didn’t hear the rest of his lengthy explanation, and I’m glad I didn’t. Suddenly, nothing made sense. Was he saying I wasn’t Jewish? How could he shut down my beliefs so quickly without knowing a single thing about me? I convinced myself not to let this get to me; after all, this was just one person’s opinion.

Once again, the matter resurfaced during a discussion in Challah Back Girls not too long ago. Finally, I had a sufficient answer. What I took away from the conversation was that yes, you can be Jewish without believing in God. In fact, a surprising amount of people do not fully believe in the presence of God, even if they work in a temple. What defines your being Jewish is the way in which you feel connected to Judaism, and not everyone connects in the same ways. I feel strongly connected to Judaism culturally, through friends, and art. I do not consider myself religious, and that is perfectly acceptable.

So, to answer my question, yes. You can be Jewish without believing in God. There’s so much more to Judaism than religious beliefs. Not believing in God does not make me a bad Jew, nor does believing in God make someone a perfect Jew. It’s all about how you personally connect to your religion.