This is Flat Stanley.

Most of us know who he is from this book we read in elementary school.

You may have also had a print out Flat Stanley that you took to different places and snapped photos of.

But nobody ever talks about how terrifying Flat Stanley’s story is??

Here’s a recap for those of you who don’t remember. Stanley’s dad bought him and his brother a bulletin board that Stanley put over his bed. One day, he wakes up in the morning and his brother is screaming because the bulletin bored FELL ON HIM AND SMASHED HIM. Ater that, he’s literally flat! Like, paper flat!

Listen, I know this story has a good message about making the best of your situation and accepting people who are different from you and all that good stuff, but as a kid I just got super paranoid of things falling on me. I still lowkey am.

The thought of a normal household object falling on you in your sleep and damaging/flattening your body is scary af.

Flat Stanley messed me up. You best believe I stayed FAR away from any flattening objects on walls, especially when I was in a vulnerable sleeping state. Yeah, Flat Stanley was cool because he could fit in small spaces and whatever, but I was not ready for that life. How would I buy clothes? Are you stuck with the same outfit and shoes you were wearing when you were squished forever? I was not about to walk around in my Powerpuff Girls pajamas 24/7.

Also, how did Flat Stanley not fly away like a piece of paper every time a gust of wind came? How did he eat if his intenstines were squished? How did he breathe when his family shipped him to their vacation in an envelope to avoid paying for a plane ticket? Did he break any bones in the flattening process? These are the questions I had for my man Stanley.

Now you may be thinking, “does this mean you didn’t participate in the Flat Stanley festivities in class?”

Absolutely not. I still participated because I’m no quitter, but I pitied Stanley. My own Flat Stanley lived a happy life, despite his condition. I knew though, that I didn’t have the strength that he possessed to live a flattened life.

The Flat Stanley cartoon paper things that we carried around with us were just a cruel reminder to me of Stanley's downfall. How could I be happy and cheery holding the remnants of one who was once a fully functional child but had his normal life taken away by a bulletin board? I was not excited about that.

While all of the other kids looked like this with their Flat Stanleys:

I looked more like this out of my paralyzing fear:

Stanley was a little scary looking too. Imagine waking up to this in the middle of the night.

On the bright side, (spoiler alert) Stanley does use a bicycle pump at the end to bring himself back to his normal, fully 3D state.

This part did show a little hope for me. At least I knew that if I somehow did accidentally end up in Stanley's situation, I could just waltz on into my family's garage for a solution. Something about using a bicycle pump sounds kind of dangerous to me, but it is probably the least weird thing out of this book so I'll let it slide.

In the end, Stanley had his happy ending, so I was happy for him. After a traumatic experience like that, I'm sure he stays away from bulletin boards, large paintings, and other flattening objects like I did at the time.

So Stanley, you creeped me out, but you did teach me a unique lesson.

For many children, your book taught them to look on the bright side of everything. While, yes, it did kind of help me with that, this book served as more of a Public Service Announcement for me. In my future interior decorating endeavors, I will never put a bulletin board over my bed.