Benjamin Franklin once said that in this world, nothing is certain except for horoscopes and breakfast cereal. Or something to that effect. It’s only natural that the kind of cardboard, generic cereal that you choose to gulp down in D-hall tells the world around you what your star sign is, and what it’s saying. Through association, we can scientifically and definitively tell you what your horoscope is, based on the kind of cereal that you’re about to shove down your gullet.
Frosted Flakes
Your horoscope: Aries
Why: As Mercury zooms all around the spaces in your head and Neptune picks up his stuff and dumps it all in your sixth philosophical house, the stars have led you to the most classic and maybe most reliable breakfast milk dish around, Frosted Flakes. This cereal caters to your desire to be sweet and loving, and your hatred of restriction is allowed to run free, because no one cares if you fill up three to-go boxes of nothing but these sweet, sugary corn shavings!
Plain Cheerios
Your horoscope: Pisces
Why: Your free-spirited nature and the UFO that just whizzed past your eighth house draws you to an old friend you haven’t seen in a while. It says, “Hey Pisces, don’t be afraid to eat a boring cereal that might benefit your heart a little bit.” It’s also encouraging you to stop at every table in the Krannert lobby and make sure that you get some kind of freebie from each one of them.
Chocolate Hell Balls
Your horoscope: Leo
Why: You are creative and popular, but this often leads you to have an unwarranted sense of pride. When you, the prideful Leo, see these brown spheres, you believe that they will be an extremely delicious treat. But be careful, lion man, just because Neptune and Uranus have a planet tea party planned doesn’t mean that you won’t be susceptible to disappointment when those coco bits taste like sawdust in your mouth.
Lucky Charms
Your horoscope: Scorpion
Why: Your eight legs make picking out the marshmallows and saving them for winter way easier. Since you’re found on six of the seven continents, you’ve had just about every kind of cereal there is to have, so it really bugs you when you can’t find the best one of all, Lucky Charms — so you get your pincers on it whenever you can. Your ability to immobilize prey keeps all the other horoscope people at bay because they don’t want to accidentally get in between you and your favorite breakfast food. Oh, and Mercury is probably all up in your star business somewhere, too.
Bran
Your horoscope: Cancer
Why: You’re sensitive, and Mercury’s crossing through the sixth circle of hell means that you’re likely having colon troubles all month. You may be feeling a little anxious too, since Venus has been squatting in your fifth psychological house for a while now. Don't let that stop you from using the uncomfortably small stall outside of D-hall when you need to.
Rice Krispies
Your horoscope: Capricorn
Why: You are hardworking and straightforward, like a goat, or even a smart horse. As such, you don’t have time for frivolous sugar cereals. It’s basics or nothing for you. As Neptune absolutely dunks on your seventh house of basketball, and takes the Golden State Warriors to another winning game, you too will win from your unbeatable attitude and healthy, plain choice of breakfast food! Unbelievable.
Generic Granola
Your horoscope: Aquarius
Why: You like to set trends. Being the only person in all of D-hall to touch this mix of oatmeal and choco shavings makes you feel so ahead.
Fruit Loops
Your horoscope: Libra
Why: Venus is passing through Mercury on its way to squat in Cancer's metaphorical house, and that means that you are feeling frisky. Way to take a risk with this loud cereal. Give a shout out to those planets for giving you the spirit to live large with your cereal choices.
Apple Jacks, maybe.
Your horoscope: Gemini, probably
Why: We think there’s probably a planet that’s making you eat things. You, the probable Gemini, are most likely in D-hall at least some of the time. Your star signs are about as committal as you are when you make plans for coffee with that girl in your class that you sometimes say you want to hang out with.
Pops
Your horoscope: Sagittarius
Why: You’re probably half-man, half-horse. You like corn because it doesn’t conflict with either of your animal halves.
Just milk with two spoons
Your horoscope and why: Oh, you’re going with a classic bowl of milk? And you’re eating it with two spoons? Ugh, don’t even try to hide it. There’s no way you aren’t a Virgo.
Waffle
Your horoscope: Taurus
Why: Oh, so you’re the one who always gives up and goes straight for the waffle maker, and you’re probably also the one who butters your waffle in front of the waffle maker while everyone else is watching and waiting for their turn on the holy waffle maker. Looking at this, you’re definitely a Taurus. Because you’re a stubborn pleasure seeker, you really don’t care that D-hall is about to close and that all the workers are watching you while they wipe down the counters, waiting for you to leave so they can flee that underworld full of food.
