There is a story my mother loves to tell when the moment is right. (More often than not, the moment is right. Weird.)

The story goes that as a young kid, I was in the car and on the way to a regular appointment with an ENT (Ear Nose and Throat) Doctor. Given that both my older sister and I share a near identical hearing impairment, we routinely went to visit the doctor. Each visit was the same-we go in, have our hearing tested, maybe be fitted for new hearing aids, and if we were lucky, a donut from Dunks on the way home. Well, that was how the visits were SUPPOSED to go, until I was dumb enough to think that I did not need to wear my hearing aids one day specifically when we were going to the ENT. We were about halfway there, driving through the backroads of Massachusetts, when I asked my mom if I should have brought my hearing aids.

If you ever want the surefire moment when I knew that I did not need hearing aids to hear my mother screaming at me, her son, this is for SURE the one. It is also, weirdly, my oldest memory of anything related to me having hearing aids almost my entire life growing up. I will never get the pure anger that arose from my mother that day. My mother is a loving woman, a caring woman, but do not piss her off. I learned that the hard way (a lot) growing up. I cannot remember a specific memory before the age of like 7 or 8 when I did not have hearing aids. I was fitted for them around 3 months, and they have been with me almost ever since. In today’s technologically advanced world, you can hardly notice I am wearing them. They are tiny, and blend it nicely with the skin and hair.

Given that little kids are absolute shit heads, I often was teased for having hearing aids and struggling with things they so easily took for granted. At first, I gave a fuck but as I grew older, I lost the fucks to give. I mean, being a young child with hearing loss was all I ever knew. I did not lose my hearing because of the measles or the mumps (or whatever disease can cause hearing loss…you get my point), I was born with it. Thus, it was all I ever knew. I did not know what it was like to not visit an ENT every year, to not need hearing aids, or not to need accommodations academically for a legal disability.

Other than a stretch of time from high school to college, I have always had hearing aids. I am fortunate enough that despite that they were paid for nearly out of pocket by my parents, I never went without them. It probably cost my two other siblings a family vacation to Disney or something, but we never really were a roller coaster kind of family anyway. We, as people, are entertaining enough. As my mom says, we put the fun in dysfunctional. I like to say, “Fuck the Kardashians, and put us on T.V.!” Sadly, Ryan Seacrest has not called us.

Despite the access to hearing aids, I would struggle to consistently wear them. I was definitely a little brat and would take them off in school because I did not feel like wearing them, or because I wore them often in sports, they would have to be fixed because I would cause damage from sweat (and do not be impressed with this….I just sweat a lot). Eventually, one was damaged beyond repair, the other lost by my father on a soccer field (he will probably get mad I shared that…but I mean…it happened.) This was around the time the U.S. economy went to shit, and quite frankly, we just never got around to replacing them. Hearing aids are expensive pieces of equipment, and at some point, it became too much for my parents to afford them. How can I blame them? They had two kids who were hard of hearing in both ears, and they had the same bills as every other parents. Kids, a house, food, cars, insurance, college in the future. There was never a sit discussion about this moment, it just happened. I could never use it as an excuse for anything however, especially in school. I knew what I had to do advocate for myself and to do well (I did not for a variety of other reasons). Nevertheless, I always made sure to sit in front of classrooms, ask for notes, and take advantage of Disability Services provided in high school and college.

Post college, I knew it was time to be a big boy and buy myself hearing aids. I had a job, was living at home, so there was no reason why I could not feasibly do this. It was on me, I was 22 and it was time for me to listen to everyone telling me to grow up, and actually do it. However, funny enough, after getting them and putting them on with the audiologist (having moved on from an ENT at this point), I HATED having them. I mean, for about 8 years, I did not have them. My brain adapted and molded to my environments and I grew accustomed to not hearing things. I would read lips, turn up the volume for t.v. and music, or just flat out pretend as if I heard anything and say yes to something. Having hearing aids put on for essentially the first time as a full grown adult is equivalent to having them fitted for me at say, 3 months. This time, I was able to remember it, to process it, and realize what it was I was missing. I mean, I heard noises in my cars engine and thought it was broken…it was not broken, it has always just made noise. Sitting at my parent’s kitchen table, with my mother making coffee in the background. I heard beeping and immediately reacted, white knuckling the table. The electric coffee pot had always beeped, I just never heard it. Can you imagine what is like to hear sounds for the first time at the age of 22 years old and have your brain process it? It throws you for a loop.

I hear the water fountain in my office when people fill up their water bottles. I hear the typing on a keyboard from coworkers in my office. I hear the beeping in a crosswalk when I wait for it to turn white. I heard the chewing from the person (there is ALWAYS one) who chews with their mouth open. I had grown accustom to my world of sheer silence and quiet. Some sounds ceasing to be heard and others being much quieter without the use of a hearing aid. I struggled to connect with the hearing aids and wear them on a daily basis. Only recently did I really commit to forcing myself to wear them, embrace them. I never truly realized how much I was missing in the world around me, even the sounds I hate or wish I could not hear. To be able to hear is an amazing thing, and it is something I think people take for granted when they have never faced the issue of not being able to hear. Is it the worst thing in the world to not have the ability to hear? No, and I would never imply that it was. However, it forces you to realize how much you depend on sound. I would be mortified if I never have to hear the sound of my mother’s voice, I would be remise if I could never hear the bouncing of a basketball and the swoosh of a net. I would be without if I could not hear the beautiful music of Adele or Ariana Grande. Imagine living in silence; put yourself in the position of not being able to hear a sound you love. A doorbell ringing, a dog barking, the laughter of the loved ones around you as you tell a joke. There is beauty in other forms of communication, especially within the Deaf community and A.S.L. Those who are Deaf are not less of a person; they have really a close-knit community of people who embrace what it means to be deaf. I cannot, however, speak for that community because it is not my place, as I never quite identified with that community because I can hear, even if it is not as strong as those born without a hearing impairment. With hearing aids, I never have to worry about missing a single sound, and luckily without hearing aids I still can get by, though that should never be the goal.

Even if it that sound is my mother, screaming at me for forgetting my hearing aids. A mistake you should never make once, but definitely not twice.