About two years ago I came out on social media as trans. I hadn't yet adopted the title as something to be proud of and I honestly still struggle with it from time to time. Like many of my friends I had only a basic knowledge of what it meant.
Transgender: Some one who doesn't identify with the gender they where assigned to at birth. That was pretty much it. Simply put it makes since, but nothing is ever simple. The word itself felt gross, unnatural and not like me at all. Wasn't the word girl enough? Trans was as unbearably ugly as I was.
There isn't a positive association with transgender, unfortunately. I think this is one of many reasons I hated using it when I described myself, so I would refrain. Trans was scary. Being trans was worse. My inner dialogue did not show any kindness to me. More often than not I used derogatory words when I thought of myself. Occasionally I still do. The T word always comes to mind. This idea of being real weighs down on me. My gender dysphoria hasn't been the easiest to manage.
When we live in a society like this we have cultivated navigating an identity outside of the norm as a difficult task. To add to the job those outside identities suffer from inner turmoil. In my case I suffer from inner transmisogyny. It's only one of my identities, but it has intersected with the others to create my experience. So the question becomes how do you do it? I don't have a direct answer because everyone is different.
For me it took years to understand my trans identity wasn't something I needed to feel ashamed of there where already others doing that for me. When I came out to my mom I was met with resistance. She didn't understand what trans was and we budded heads a lot. My day become a string of fights with her and she was never afraid of sending out a low blow. Here's a thing they don't tell you about life: When you aren't educated on what your fighting for you don't know when you have been mistreated.
I'm sure my immediate friends had the best intentions when I came out to them. I don't believe they made invasive questions out of malice but ignorance. It doesn't make those questions OK, but I understand why they made them. I was their first out trans friend and I answered them because of my ignorance. Here's some more knowledge being trans didn't make me secure in my relationships. I was terrified by the time my friends would find out our friendship would end right there. Says a lot about how I let my identity negatively affect me.
When I came out again to everyone on my social media I wasn't sure what I wanted to happen. I expected back lash or some ignorant comment to drop on my notification box. I received support and loving messages. I have to say I was shocked.
Lavern Cox crated a statement as I transitioned into college #transisbeautiful. My struggle continued. I still couldn't see myself that way. Beautiful wasn't synonymous with being trans, deformed was.
Often times I felt like Mulan did when she looked at her reflection. Who is that girl? Why does she have to exist? I didn't like that girl. She needed validation from others, she needed a sense of realness and she hated her masculinity because it wasn't feminine enough. I know always dropping some knowledge, but it's important to know being trans, openly trans is viewed with not being enough of anything. If your a woman or fem it means you are not feminine enough and that comes with it's own slew of problems with transmisogyny.
Everything I did felt like a challenge. Correction everything I do feels like a challenge. A good amount of the time I walk through the world I feel like people see me and think how dare you? I experience this feeling when I get ready for the day. When I dress up because trans isn't a form of beauty or something to be celebrated. Here then comes a lot of my self hatred and my reform.
Up until a few years ago I didn't feel good about myself in any respect. Sometimes I still don't. I struggled/struggle with body image issues with being trans in a world that is everything but. What I don't do now is feel ashamed of being trans or using the word to describe myself.
When I see people like Lavern Cox challenge this society we live in not only by crating change or by wearing whatever the fuck she wants, but by being herself. When Janet Mock published a book that redefined how I felt about myself, my struggles and my trans identity. When Jazz Jennings like many of the great queer folk I have met have all shared their experiences to better this world we live in. I see a place for me to do the same.
Being trans is difficulty that may never change in my life time. The word itself has caused me a lot of strain as well as growth. I am no longer afraid of using it. Sure I can pass for a ciswoman and that has its advantages, but it's a disservice to me to forget I'm trans altogether. I don't want to erase my experiences anymore. I have so much more to learn. Living daily life is a challenge when transphobic thoughts about myself surface. As I continue to navigate this wild world I am thankful for the education I have received in order to do so. But even more than that I am grateful for the idea that trans is beautiful and there's nothing shameful or wrong about that.
