It's happened over and over again. I put all my energy into one person, and after any extended period of time they call me 'toxic' and need a break from me. I've tried to understand, working it out in therapy...but I have come to the realization that it really isn't me that's toxic.
I attract people who don't have their shit together, which is fine because I barely have mine together half the time. Through my various cycles of therapy, I've learned that I'm the "fixer". I see someone, think I can help them, try to help them, and they turn on me.
However, this cycle has a similar climax every single time. I call someone out for hurting my feelings, and then it's over. How dare I have feelings? How dare I be hurt? How dare I...confront someone?
As an adult, you're SUPPOSED to communicate. You're supposed to be able to express your feelings without it being a defense and offense scenario. But, the people I attract don't ever see it that way.
For a long time, I really did think it was me. I tortured myself with the thought that maybe I didn't deserve good friends. Maybe everything I had gone through was deserved, or maybe this was my punishment for "putting" myself in past situations.
But THAT is a toxic thought cycle that affects just me. So I pushed it aside and continued to give all my energy to people who didn't deserve it. That's what you're supposed to do right?
I invite them everywhere, check up on them, ask about their lives, actually give a shit...but it's the same cycle every time.
If my therapist said, "Ya know, Emma, it really does sound like your XYZ disorder is affecting your friendships and you really are being irrational," then maybe I would feel better, to be honest. Then I'd have someone to blame and a finite reason why it keeps happening. But she doesn't tell me that...she says the opposite.
Calling someone out doesn't have to be the end all be all of a relationship, ever. But if someone wants to communicate, and another doesn't, then there's nothing more to do really.
Therapy has taught me that if someone doesn't love themselves, then they won't let you love them either. If they want to go indulge themselves in THEIR toxic habits, they want you to support that. But THAT is toxic. Being an enabler is toxic.
It makes me sad, all the people I've cared about so much not caring about themselves. They say it's just college, and it's okay to act like that in college but I disagree.
Sorry for trying to help. Sorry for caring. Sorry for not enabling you. But, it really is your loss.
Good luck finding someone to endorse your toxicity.
