Jake from State Farm.

Patty from the IRS.

Pam the debt collector.

We’ve all picked up, put up, and hung up with their nonsense. Just in the past two weeks, I’ve gotten 10+ calls from telemarketers. After seeing this guy’s video trending on my Facebook feed, I have decided to reach out to my fellow "phone-y" friends.

Dear Telemarketers,

First and foremost: How did you get my number?

Last time I checked, you did not take me out to dinner and I did not flirtatiously slip you a piece of paper emblazoned with my digits in your general direction. So that’s just creepy.

Please, after I make all the effort to reach back out to y’all… Remove me from your calling list.

For goodness sake. I’m asking nicely.

You can bet that if you’re an automated voice, I will hang up after the first five seconds.

I’m not a fan of robots calling me. But it’s mostly because the female monotone requests to make a move regarding my mortgage freak me out.

Conversely, you can bet that if you’re a real person, I’ll take similar measures.

But I’ll make you a deal. I will greet you nicely, give you about five seconds to tell me your spiel, decipher your accent, and then decide whether I want to mess with you or hang up.

If you sound super scammy, let the games begin.

That Facebook video I mentioned? Yeah. That’s my default response to scam calls like that. If I can have a humorous exchange and put my “playing stupid” to good use (in this case, wasting your time to save you from preying on another poor soul over the age of 65 who will have no qualms with giving you their credit card number over the phone if they find your pitch remotely useful or compelling.

Your methods are very outdated.

I understand that if you’re a sketchy scammer working out of your basement and a phone is all you have, you’re just doing your best. But for actual companies, calling people and bothering them during the day is not very effective or appealing.

You’ve got rules, I’ve got rights.

Please follow them. (And to the victims of such calls, you should really read up on your consumer rights here ).

Good? Good.