After having narrowly escaped the giant from New Jersey I nicknamed "Anger Management", I took a few weeks off from dating. Eventually, after receiving notifications of new emails piling up in my OkCupid inbox, I caved and decided to test the dating waters again. I logged back online and just like that-Zap! That nasty little bastard cherub from OkCupid hit me with another one of his poison arrows (he looks so innocent and inviting on the webpage). The only thing good about my experience with Gelato was that he ended up being a one-date wonder. Had he not, my apartment might have become a crime scene.
I met Gelato at a little place by the same name near Central Park. His opening remarks sounded compelling enough: He was a professional athlete who moved back to New York to care for a sick family friend. He was a bit loud and brash, but claimed it was just his style to speak his mind and “keep it real, ya know.”
Anyway, the beginning and end of our short little tale goes like this: During the consumption of our refreshing gelato and the ensuing walk, we talked about everything from cooking to travel and more. Because we seemed to have some chemistry, I broke my own rule and invited him over to my apartment for dinner a few days later.
The text exchange that follows ensured that second date never happened. (Please excuse any typos, as this is the actual, unedited exchange of messages.):
ME: Just bring yourself and a bottle of something if u want.
GEL: Do I need condoms?
ME: No. This is a friendly dinner. BTW, are u serious about that comment?
GEL: So we hanging out?
ME: I thought that was the plan?
GEL: So what do I bring?
ME: I said a bottle of something.
ME: Do u want to hang out?
GEL: Do I get a lap dance?
ME: I'll pole dance (Dear Reader, obviously I was kidding with this text.)
GEL: What else?
GEL: Do I need condoms?
ME: No!
GEL: Why u don’t use them?
ME: We r not having sex.
GEL: U sure... I wanna be ready in case.
ME: I can't tell if you're joking or not? I'm not inviting u over for that intention, so if that's what you're looking for then maybe dinner on 2nd date is not a good idea...
GEL: Ha ha
ME: Please let me know so I'm not wasting my time.
GEL: Oh man…Ur so serious
ME: It is very hard to read u over txt. And even though I started preparing, before I go any further, please let me know what I should do.
GEL: Sorry. I don’t think we mix well.
ME: Okay then. That's fine. Wish I would have known before I went and bought everything.
GEL: U seem serious
ME: Huh?
GEL: U seem serious
ME: What do u mean?
ME: U asked if you could bring condoms over. I couldn't tell if that was a joke or not.
GEL: I feel ur uptight
ME: U don't even know me. And it's hard to read via text. Put yourself in my shoes too. I thought I would stray from the norm and invite a guy over I met once for dinner!
GEL: Yea
ME: I'm such a fool!
GEL: How u figure?
ME: I was looking forward to getting to know u. Went and got all this stuff and NOW u tell me u don't think we mix?
GEL: U seem serious
GEL: Are u wearing panties tonite?
ME: Maybe you're right. Maybe we don't mix well.
ME: I stopped cooking. Going out now! Good luck!
GEL: Thanks…u too.
(I let out a big eye roll after this encounter!)
In the end, I happily shared my feast with my girl Jacklyn and her boyfriend from down the block. They were much better dinner companions—and as far as I know, neither of them brought condoms.
What I learned from my one-date:
Have at least one phone conversation before meeting.
Don’t offer to cook dinner for a guy on a second date. Learn his true colors before you spend your hard-earned money and waste a Friday night.
If you know there will not be a second date before the first is even over (or started) you’ve probably saved yourself a lot of time that would be better spent watching trash TV and drinking wine with girlfriends. Consider THAT a win. =)
