Cafe Intermezzo, have you eaten at your restaurant in Avalon? Have you pulled up one of those fancy chairs made out of cheap wood to sit down and have a meal? Did you eat the food? Did it taste savory to you?

Did the shock overwhelm you when you saw the dry crepe arrive on the dish without any sauces? Were the multitude of adjectives and promises from the menu fulfilled when the dish arrived at the table? Was the presentation lacking in creativity, especially missing the colorful swirls and careful arrangements present in the sweet crepes?

Did you deem the uncut, limp, stringy spinach to be, in fact, “fresh and chopped?" Did the Gruyere cheese suddenly become frightened of the customer and run off before its arrival at the table? Did you hope the dried, stale tomatoes would pass as beautifully cooked? Were you aware that the artichokes were similar in taste to sour milk?

Did the bitter taste not overtake your taste buds like a parasitic worm, causing an immediate urge to drown the foul flavor with an abundance of water? Wasn’t the crepe awfully stubborn in staying on the plate, refusing to be cut into pieces to facilitate the process of consumption? Even more concerning, were you aware that Noah could have built the ark within the time it took for my meal to arrive?

Did you know the Cafe Bach espresso was six times more expensive than the premium roast coffee from McDonalds? Are the coffee beans made out of gold? Were you seriously expecting consumers to pay a bucket-load for a bitter, unembellished beverage? Do you think it’s alright for the main meal to arrive before the cups have been cleared away?

Were you aware of how much space each miniscule table had? Did you know that I was fearful of falling plates and utensils for the entire duration of my meal? Were you hoping that I would not be able to see my unappetizing dish through the dim lighting? Did you know that you had hired Severus Snape to be our waiter? Did you create an unappealing ambiance with the hopes that no one will wish to dine here, enabling you to take the day off?

Is the entire restaurant a very costly facade masking appalling meals and horrific service?

Would you mind if I never dined here ever again?

I hope not.

Sincerely,

A Very Disgruntled Customer

Disclaimer: This article is a mimicry of a food review by Pete Well in the New York Times.

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