Freshmen boys/other males entering Provo for the first time, take note:
After almost two years at BYU, you notice everything that makes Provo boys who they are. Here’s a comprehensive list of everything you need to fit in on BYU campus, and the keys to success in order to fit into the Provo scene.
1. A Vivint summer sales hat
This is key to connecting to fellow BYU bros. This hat is like a beacon to attract like-minded genius entrepreneurs who can show you EXACTLY how to make money this summer. It doesn't matter if you’ve done any summer sales or not, I'm pretty sure you're given a hat when you show up on campus, and it still confuses me how a home security company is as popular as it is.
2. Jandals
These shoes will carry you through all four seasons. Winter footwear? Throw on some socks and you're good to go! This is really the point where you decide whether you care more about comfort or style, and once you buy these, there’s no going back. Somehow Provo boys have decided that these are a good combination of the two, but one look from anyone outside of Utah county and you know they're the biggest disaster since Crocs. If you aren't sure what these are, you can snag a pair on Amazon for like seven dollars.
3. A Texas flag
Even if you only sort of know where the state is, it's important to hang it up in your bedroom window so those outside know you have state pride. If you can’t find a Texas one, basically any foreign country’s flag will do, as long as it's visible at all times to the outside world.
4. A "porn kills love" t-shirt
This not only shows the BYU ladies that you have your priorities straight, but also proves that you know a great t-shirt when you see one. It helps to wear it at least twice a week, so people know you’re committed to the cause. Looks best with cargo shorts or vaguely boot cut jeans.
5. A love for ultimate frisbee
This is something that ALL BYU boys do. You'll be joining an intramural team within minutes. Low skill? No problem! There are endless teams you can join.
6. A firm belief in the BYU football team's ability to win
What will we win? Something. When will we win? Soon.
7. Plenty of neon shirts
For all the dance parties you’ll be attending the first two weeks you’re in school, and even more often if you actually like wearing glowsticks in a gymnasium to the sounds of ‘DJ Larry’ or someone similar.
8. An otter box for protecting that iPhone 5C of yours
It'll be useful in case you drop your phone while trying to film something really cliche, like an acapella group, to get on the BYU snap story.
9. A lot of saved-up mission stories, ready to be utilized at a moments notice
Have a story ready to take up at least 5 minutes of a lecture at any time. As you’re in class, be sure to scope out anything the professor says that you could remotely relate to a mission story, because the rest of the class is waiting in suspense to hear about the time you ate a cheeseburger in southern Mexico.
10. Know how to play the guitar
And learn how to play Wonderwall. As much as this stereotype is made fun of, it’s amazing how often you hear some deep 18 year old soul playing some faint chords while sitting on a bench outside the girls dorms in Helaman Halls.
11. A marketing management or engineering major
At least for now, until they decide what they actually want to do with their lives. But it sounds impressive enough for the time being, and it helps to be really arrogant about it.
12. A positive attitude about Provo
So positive, in fact, that they have no reason to leave Provo until long after they've graduated BYU. If you find yourself 25, graduated, and worryingly still unmarried, don't worry! I'm sure you can fill the next few years you hang out here with Vivint sales and trips to the VASA gym.
And there you have it! Everything you need to be successful when you start your 4-10 year adventure here in Provo!
