"I might kill myself if you leave me, I don't know what I would do without you."
"You're an adult, what your parents say doesn't matter."
"You are not allowed to go to parties at school unless I'm there."
I was in an emotionally, psychologically abusive relationship for two years of my life.
Why wouldn't I leave? Because he never hit me.
During the time span of my relationship, I managed to lose 95% of my friends, lose my parents' trust, fell into a depression, and contemplate suicide on multiple occasions. It never occurred to me that my toxic relationship was the cause of all of these serious problems.
I started dating this boy the summer before my senior year of high school. I hardly knew him, and foolishly decided to jump right into things. He was very charming, persuasive, and he towered over me at 6 foot 3 inches. Six months into our relationship he had me convinced that he was all I needed in my life. No one else would ever be able to make me as happy as he could. My parents, friends, family, no one could satisfy my needs, only him.
I was naïve enough to believe him.
Anything he wanted to do, we did. We were constantly with his friends, and never mine. (My friends didn't want to be around him which should have sent up red flags). We would only listen to the music he liked on the radio. My friends weren't important enough to get to know. Spending time with my family was like pulling teeth. I was required to change my plans to accommodate his. His temper was the worst, and it terrified me. That's why I hardly put up a fight when it came to disagreeing on something.
Once he threw a wrench across the garage, ripped his headboard off his bed, pushed me to the ground once when I was trying to leave.
But he never hit me.
Towards the end of senior year I noticed the diminishing number of my friends, but already had prom, senior week, and what seemed to be other HUGE events coming up, that I didn't want to change. He was already set in them, so there was no going back. I was almost convinced that because all my friends left me, he really was the only one who could truly care about me.
My graduation party wasn't important enough for him, he showed up drunk, hours late, invited his friends and wanted me to spend time with just him. My friends, family, and parents all watched this happen.
"No, we aren't going to the high school musical! I don't care if your friend is the lead role."
"You're not allowed to hang out with other guys, I don't care if you've been friends with them since first grade."
"I'm out of work early, leave your friend so we can spend time together... WE HARDLY GET TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER, LEAVE SO WE CAN HANG OUT."
But he never hit me.
Once I started college I was expected to see him every weekend. Even if I had other plans, homework, or anything, he wanted me to take the train home to spend time with him. I wasn't able to make many friends during my freshman year because I was expected to be spending every free moment I had with him.
He would make fun of little things I did or said, which made me feel small and unimportant. He constantly tried to convince me to go to a different college just so I could be closer to him, and the major I chose wasn't good enough. He wanted to propose a year into our relationship and would try and get me pregnant just so I could never leave him. I was afraid of the relationship a year and three months in.
"No, I don't want to meet your friend who lives down that hall."
"You should come home, I don't want to stay in your dorm. Those plans sound dumb anyway."
You might be thinking, "You see all of these awful things happening to you, why didn't you leave?!" Not all of the relationship was bad, he made me laugh, we did fun things together, and most importantly, I always thought that he would change. I would constantly be thinking that I meant enough to him for him to change. He never would. I would change myself to keep peace in the relationship, still hoping that he could bend like I was. He never did.
But he never hit me.
Our relationship came into perspective one Saturday night when I was spending time with some new friends. He called me and told me to walk back to my dorm in North Philadelphia, by myself, so we can talk. I didn't want to. I wanted to spend time with my friends and would talk to him later that night. He argued with me for half an hour to leave my friends apartment. I cried, yelled, argued, and he still expected the same thing. Two of my friends sat with me in the hall until my phone finally died. That was the turning point for me in the relationship. Two people had to sit with me while I had an argument with my significant other. They sat and watched me cry, and comforted me when there was no need for any of it.
I stayed in the relationship for another four and a half months after that incident because I already invested so much time and effort into it. Over the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college, I found myself working 70-hour weeks just to avoid spending time with him. After 12-to13-hour shifts he would guilt me into seeing him. I would have to drive 20 minutes out of my way to his house. Sit with him until he fell asleep, then drive another 25 minutes home. That's when the suicidal thoughts started happening. "It would be so much easier to die than have to deal with this relationship." I had that thought on many occasions.
But he never hit me.
Maybe if he had hit me I would have had an easier time leaving him. Seeing the emotional damage is much harder than seeing the physical. I changed who I was because someone who claimed to want the best for me made me feel so unimportant. Get out at the first signs of an emotionally abusive relationship, don't wait until you're shoulder-deep in the quicksand.
There are hotlines, flyers, and programs to help people struggling with abusive relationships. Ask for help, search for help if you feel trapped.
The National Domestic Hotline is a great resource to get help. They help define abuse, ways to get help, and more. If you feel like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, seek help before it's too late.
