Recently I moved to the beautiful city of Wilmington, NC where I will soon begin cosmetology school in the spring. As for now I am working as an assistant at a salon. Most days I go home not thinking about any of the conversations I have with clients but today was different. Today I had a small talk with a sweet older lady while washing her hair that I believe will stick with me for the rest of my life.

As an assistant, I help out the stylists by shampooing for them while they are with other clients. Some people sit down with little to say just wanting to enjoy their shampoo time (I know it's my favorite part of a trip to the salon) but some are ready to talk all about their day and get to know the new assistant a little better. Luckily today I got the sweetest lady who could not wait to tell me all about her grand daughters wedding this weekend. Eager to listen I asked questions and she gladly gave me plenty of details. The subject of her wedding led somehow to the talk of grandchildren and large families. She asked if I was an only child or had any siblings and I explained how I come from a beautiful blended family that blessed me with four siblings. She related as she was was the youngest of the four children in her own family. As most people do she asked if one day I would want that many children. Responding I explained it would be a long time before any children would be in the picture and I hadn't given much thought of a number but I knew that I would love to adopt so who knows where that would lead. Smiling, she told me how wonderful she thought adoption was. But, then she quickly followed with a question..."But do you want to have your own kids too?". Knowing the answer to this I quickly responded with "yes, of course!". By that time we were finishing up and she went about her business finishing up the rest of her time at the salon and making sure to tell me goodbye before leaving. I had no idea this conversation would sit on my heart for the rest of my day.

Since having this conversation the question: "but don't you want to have your own kids too?" had repeated over and over in my head and I did not know why. Then suddenly on my drive home my heart broke thinking about this. In no way do I think the lady meant this question in any way to put adopted children below biological but, in my own spirit I felt that is exactly what I had said.

I began to think... I want to have "my own" too? What does that even look like? I do not believe I deserve the blessing of an adopted child if I can see that kind of divide between my own future children. Am I completely missing the beauty of adoption?

I began to picture the faces of the children I have had the privilege of working with at a group home for the past two summers.

I began to remember the stories they had told me of the brokenness in their families. A few of them had even expressed to me how much they wished they could become a part of a family who really loved them. Lastly I remembered the one girl who decided to call me 'mom' over the summer and how much it touched my heart.

Then I began to pray... I prayed that the Lord would begin to prepare my heart for the children I hope to adopt one day. For me to be able to love them no more or no less than a child I give birth to. For there to be no divide in my family. For my husband and I to be able to set the example of what a loving Christ following family looks like. For us to seek God in prayer for every decision we make for them. For my children, adopted and biological, to never question if they are wanted or how much we love them. That my children will understand that the Lord has a plan for them that is greater than their past circumstances. That they understand it is no accident or coincidence that they are a part of our family. For myself to always lead by example. That I would pray for my children every single day. For the Lord to teach me to be selfless for the sake of my family. For the Lord to fill my heart with compassion and understanding when the years of questions begin. For me to be willing to accept whatever the Lord has for us and trust him through it all. But most of all I pray that God continues to remind me that my future children are never "my own" whether I give birth to them or adopt them. That they are a gift from God and I should view them as a blessing every day. That I will thank the Lord every day for trusting me with such precious gifts.

Thank you Lord for sending me that sweet lady to my work today because I know that it was no accident. Thank you for the plans you have already orchestrated for my family even though I have no idea what they may be yet. I know that your plans are greater than mine and I will continue to trust in you through every season of life.