Starting my freshman year of high school, I knew that there was going to be that crazy controlling girl who you secretly feared, there always had been and always will be. I had done my research that summer by watching Mean Girls so many times that I could recite it line by line, and to this day I am looking for some kind of contest with a cash prize for knowing it because ya girl is ballin’ on a budget.

But, looking back I would have never thought that the queen of the plastics at my very own North Shore High School, would be my best friend’s ex-boyfriend, Regina George, and of course, her unknowing minions Gretchen and Karen, who let’s be honest you never really hated, leaving my friend to be Cady, and me to be Janis Ian, and trust me I never thought I would be so content to refer to myself as Janis Ian.

Unlike Janis though, I was blessed to have what I think are the 7 most beautiful, intelligent, big hearted, and hilarious best friends in the whole entire world. I’m talking the kind of girls that spoon together, hold your hair back, duck tape your boobs when needed, you can eat in front of without taking breaths in between bites and the will stay over your house on a Tuesday night when one of you is sobbing because the plastics struck again.

I consider them to be my sisters and have been in my life for the past 11+ years and will be the future bridesmaids at my wedding. I mean sure she has Damion but like we are some really serious “sisterhood of the traveling pants” stuff.

So here it is, my very own burn book entry about Regina George:

Regina George, as if the name itself doesn’t piss you off enough, this sure will. You were my least favorite of all of the crappy ex’s if that wasn’t obvious enough. But, in the beginning, I really did like you, I was even friends with you! I wouldn’t necessarily go as far as to say that there were any indications of a “big lesbian crush” but, I thought you were a cool person.

Once Cady and you became close and eventually started dating, things went real south, really quick. You went from being all like “But, you’re really pretty, so you think you’re really pretty” to “I like invented her, you know what I mean?” You controlled everything about her it seemed like, especially the way she looked, she couldn’t wear a tank top two days in a row, she could only wear her hair in a ponytail once a week, on Wednesdays she wore pink, and she could only wear sweatpants or jeans on Fridays.

When Junior Prom came around, or should I say Spring Fling, and you didn’t win King, instead of throwing pieces of the crown, you threw her phone into the ocean. Then there was also the time you threw it at the wall, and on the ground so like $1,500 in phones but, hey who’s counting?

You bought her a beautiful diamond necklace, in hopes that she would stop wearing that bracelet from Africa that you pretended that you liked but really hated. And you were constantly telling Gretchen and Karen how you felt about her so she could hear “I mean no offense, but how could she send you a candy cane? She doesn't even like you that much.”

Obviously, you pulled a total Kanye and felt as though you were superior to all other life forms so that’s why you were hooking up with your own Shane Omen above the projection room every Thursday. But, you were never technically caught in the act. Don’t worry, though, Gretchen couldn’t keep her mouth shut, classic.

One of your favorite hobbies was not just ripping on me to my face but, to Cady too, like when you said “she's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. And now I guess she's on crack!” and of course, there was the body shaming, like yes I want to eat those Cheetos and yes I will have another cookie.

Or, whenever we were out at parties your friendly reminder that you thought that I was a loser with no concept of what my body actually looks like because, you and the rest of the general public found it offensive. Thankfully, your extremely hateful and unkind words never really did much to me, in fact, I think they kind of numbed me to any mean thing that will ever be thrown my way for the rest of my life, so suck on that.

The day that Cady “pushed you” in front of that bus was undoubtedly the best day of my life. It was the day that your reign of terror was over. Of course, it started with her trying to apologize for something that she shouldn’t have to apologize for, you taking things one step too far as usual, and then you getting what you deserve. Well, in this case, not a broken spine, as much as a broken heart. And Cady gets to return to the life that she deserves.

So, this is how my entry ends, with Regina off at college channeling her aggression into club sports, maybe? Honestly, I don’t know, nor do I care. As for Cady, she gets into her own variation of Northwestern but, on the east coast, where she may be struggling with math but is thriving none the less, and order is restored in the jungle as our tribe is now reunited as one.