In school, I have always stood out.
I could raise my hand and answer nearly every question that teachers threw at me. My clothes always fit more smug than most. I could name the most popular Korean pop songs from 2009 to present. When threatened, I could singlehandedly cry more than the rest of my classmates combined.
Yes, I have always been a chubby, overly sensitive, Korean pop-loving nerd.
These characteristics made me stick out like a ketchup stain on a white shirt; there was no hiding or removing it. As a result, I became the target of much of your ignorant comments in my elementary, middle, and even high school years.
Knowing my sensitive personality, you always crowded around me with insults, mockery, and abuse. You knew you could get to me, and you never hesitated to take advantage of it.
"Fat." "Nerd." "Crybaby." "Weird."
The teasing became so bad that I'd come home crying everyday. In fact, for my first year of school, my mom kept a journal tracking the days I did or did not cry.Though I had heard the awful words fall from your mouth over and over again, the effects on me never changed. Over time, the tears rolling down my cheeks lessened, but their effects stayed as powerful as ever.
For a long time, I tried to change who I was. I tried cutting back on what I ate. I tried wearing more feminine clothes. I tried firing back on negative comments with even more scathing ones. I tried not answering questions in class.
The more I tried fitting myself into a different mold, the more frustrated I became.
It was like trying on shoes twice your size. It was like forcing the wrong key into the wrong lock. It just wasn't right.
Bullies, I do have to thank you all for one thing, however. In the end, you taught me to love myself. You turned my negative traits into positive ones.
I love that I can pinch my chubby cheeks in the mirror. I love that I catch on quickly to some of the most intricate math lessons taught in school. I love that I can speak some simple Korean phrases. I love that I'm sensitive to others' needs.
Pretty much, I love that I am me.
Bullies, wherever you are, just know that you cannot control me any longer. Your comments will only do the opposite of what you hope for; they only make me more willing to express myself.
