When I was nineteen, I weighed 223 pounds. Seeing as I stood 5'10", it was not a flattering 223 pounds. Around age twenty, I decided to walk my fat ass to the gym and start checking my diet. I'm twenty-six now, and that fat has been gone a while. But, while I'm proud of my work, I've now had to come face to face with a new enemy: my ass.

You see, it's hard for me to comprehend why, after heavy lifting and strict diet, that I now need to build the ass I lost years ago. I understand that there is a solid difference between a fat ass and a toned, muscly one, but you have to understand that it is slightly psychologically jarring to switch your mindset from losing weight to gaining it again.

My quest to build a booty began when a friend of mine asked me how much I could squat:

"So what's your squat looking like, dude?"

"...what does yours look like?"

"305, bro!"

"I see. Uhh, 285. Bruh."

(When lying about your squat to another Gym Bruh, say a weight close to his but NOT greater. That way, you get his respect but he won't challenge you the way he would if you said a number higher than his. It is Gym Law).

I understand that lying is bad, but so is not putting in work on the squat rack. And, for the record, I have put booty-building exercises into my weekly regimen for a while now. The new struggle is waiting for a squat rack to open up. It's harder than you think. Khloe posts a new photo on Snapchat, and believe me when I say that you can't find an open rack when aspiring Kardashians are clogging up the squat row.

Another obstacle has been having to start at the beginner level with lifting again. When it comes to doing squats, I'm probably at the high school proficiency level: knees pointed in the wrong direction, feet narrow, bending my back too much, etc. But modern society demands I have a bubble-butt so I torture myself a couple hours a week to appease it.

So, to all of you out there faithfully bowing before the idol of the squat-rack: I'm jealous. And I recognize now all of the effort that you booty-warriors put in to grow dat peach. Here's to you.