Dear Donald,

I have at many points in the course of my life contemplated the beauty of walls. When I find myself unable to sleep at night, they are a most reliable and refreshing medium on which I can project my thoughts. They bring me comfort, for when I look at them, I know that my mind will finally find peace.

Over the course of these many nighttime reflections, I have seen many walls, from white ones, to blue ones, to sort-of ivory ones—ivory-colored. I don’t think any place in the world has ivory walls, except, perhaps Trump Hotel New Delhi?—to tent flaps and picture-covered ones. These repeated exposures to many types of walls have made me somewhat of an amateur expert on the art of wall-existing, and I would like to take a moment to pass on some of that expertise to you.

Now, I am in no way suggesting that you DON’T know what you are doing when it comes to the great border wall—you, Sir, know everything, and your knowledge of everything is infallible—but I AM suggesting that you should think about some more options. The more options you have, Sir, the more likely it is you’ll be able to build a wall that will please enough Americans to distract them from the near-certainty of your transformation into a tyrannical, anti-democratic dingbat (‘dingbat’ is a Russian word, created by Vladimir Putin’s ancestors, that means ‘Holiest of Gods.’)

My many contemplations of walls have led me to the following conclusions (contemplating is a bit like counting money. It is painful, arduous, and fun. You need not feel threatened because someone tells you they are ‘contemplating’ things. They are simply doing the same thing you are doing, except with ideas.): unless a wall is being used as a memorial, it must be used as part of structure; a wall must be beautiful to prevent people from thinking too deeply about things for too long; a wall cannot be made of glass (unless it is really, really thick); walls are absolutely necessary for civility; and walls must not, no not ever, never ever ever, be soundproof.

1. Unless a wall is being used as a memorial, it must be used as part of a structure.

This one is quite interesting, because the more I’m exposed to walls, the more I realize, it is true! Have you ever seen a standalone wall? Laughable, absolutely laughable! And sad, too, because they tend to be crumbling (why, even the Great Wall of China has sections that are falling apart! Some of it is even blocked to tourists.) and these crumbling walls tend to evoke sad memories of what once was. Oh, what children sat in desks behind that stack of crumbling ivy-covered bricks? Oh, what wives were beaten behind that cement slab down there in the ghetto? Who peeped out at the neighborhood schoolgirls from behind those wooden slats?

This function of standalone walls transfers nicely to more sentimental uses, like memorials (it really is just the same function, except made more official, kind of like how you were once a loser and a jerk, and now you’re a more official loser and jerk.). Consider the Vietnam Wall—it’s just a wall built into the ground, but it evokes so much emotion. This functionality of walls stems from their remarkable ability to be things on which other things can go. Like dormroom walls holding posters, or blank bedroom walls holding my thoughts while I’m drifting off to sleep, memorial walls hold something tragic in front of us, and allow us to attach our deepest and purest emotions to them.

This is why the Great Border Wall, if it is to be built, must either be one wall of a building, or a memorial wall. If the wall is to be part of a building, might I advise building a giant two-story white house around America, turning Canada into the front lawn, Mexico into the garden—it doesn’t make sense the other way around. Mexico’s more tropical, more lush, and can therefore produce a wider variety of food—and sticking a white picket fence in the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans? That way, we would be making the American Dream a reality—one big family living under one big roof, completely unconcerned about the chaos unfolding outside of the fences and wholly convinced that it is supremely Christian and good. And, by having such a large structure on the surface of the Earth, we’d be able to tip it in such a way that would undo, or at least diminish, the negative side effects of global warming, and would allow businesses to continue to manufacture product without government oversight. It’s a win-win for everyone! (Furthermore, such a plan would give you a reason to increase funding for NASA, since the house would be extremely susceptible to meteors and probably orbiting satellites as well.)

Or, if it is to be a memorial wall, you should probably just put your name on it, and only your name, so that, after you die, people will always remember that it was you who split the North American continent in two and who told Mexicans, Latin Americans, and all desperate people everywhere that America is only interested in the tired and the poor if the tired and the poor are conscientious enough to come here legally and pay their fair share of taxes (neverminding the irrefutable proof that the only people who can come here legally are the ones who have enough money to pay for the immigration process, and that the desperate, tired, and poor come here so that they can earn enough money so that they can no longer be desperate, tired and, poor.)

2. A wall must be beautiful to prevent people from thinking too deeply about things for too long.

This is an especially important one, because most of my best thinking occurs when I am just staring at a wall. It is not unreasonable to assume that this is the case for some other people, since walls are basically incredibly boring, and their sheer boredom gives the mind the permission it needs to wander into new and exciting places.

You know how the rise of technology has been blamed for the rise in shorter attention spans? I am a firm believer that this is true, because it just makes sense. The more stimuli the brain has to deal with—i.e. text messages, sound bites, IMs, etc.—the less able it is to process any one of them. That, and hitting buttons and tapping screens is a wonderful way to release dopamine, the brain’s pleasure neurotransmitter, and it makes sense that if dopamine is released so many times a day, the brain gets used to receiving dopamine pretty regularly. In short, modern technology makes our brains addicted to it. (I’m going to pull a ‘you’ and claim that these thoughts are mine even though I culled them from Matt Richtel’s book “A Deadly Wandering.”)

The consequence of this constant stimulation and need for dopamine is an inability to process things deeply for any extended length of time. While this has been a great development for the animal-meme industry, it has been terrible for humanity overall, because the more one needs to be stimulated, the less one is able to focus on other people’s problems, and the less one is able to experience the psychic freedom necessary for creativity and reflection. Society as a whole becomes less empathetic, less creative, and less philosophical.

All of which are wonderful developments for you, because that means that a) there are probably thousands of mini-Donalds out there making sure that everyone around them sees them as a God, and b) that you have a sure-fire way to manipulate the public into forgetting about their fears for the wall. The other day, I saw a display in the Boston Science Museum that featured a bunch of changing patterns displayed on a series of screens. I have no idea what the patterns were, but I remember that they looked pretty and mesmerizing.

This same concept can be applied to the Great Border Wall, in the sense that excessive stimuli will prevent people from really thinking about things, and they will give them something pleasant to do (a nice dopamine hit, in other words). Feature a display in one section of a bunch of moving, wavy lines, and say that they represent “the sands of the Arizona Desert moved around by the winds of freedom,” or have a live-feed of the actual desert moving in the actual wind with the caption “The Desert is one of Earth’s greatest natural resources. It must never be touched by bare human feet or ripped Nike shoes, and its beautiful silence must never be ruptured by people moaning for water.”

Or—and this is the best one—use a section to feature artwork made by people who feel protected by the wall. People love a good emotional story, and they love seeing other people expressing themselves with art (this could be a part of your initiative to strong-arm the artistic community into creating art that favors you). As you are well aware, people who want the wall have long-suffered the effects of illegal immigration, and this would be a good opportunity for them to use their stories to help alleviate other people’s pain (and make it clear to the rest of the world that the wall needed to be built wink wink nudge nudge). Be sure to encourage people to paint pictures of people who have been killed by illegal immigrants—people’s hearts will melt for that.

One of the risks, though, of including such an emotional section in a memorial wall will be that it will spur people to think of other people and their pain, so you want to be sure to sell ice cream or candy to people after they are done looking at that section of the wall so that their brains will become too inundated with sugar for them to really function.

You could also include a theme park section, featuring American games like ‘dueling’—liberals are quick, but are they quick with a gun?—and the horseshoe toss, and ‘Dunk the Immigrant’ and blackface vaudeville performances.

In general, give the people something to look forward to when they visit the wall—just a blank slab of granite might give them pause, and events and like these will ensure that when the U.N. penalizes the U.S. for building the wall, people will have a strong emotional reason for wanting it to be preserved (something like that will not last unless people are personally connected to it. You gotta manipulate them into feeling that way.).

3. a wall cannot be made of glass (unless it is really, really thick)

You know the saying people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones? Not only is it an idiomatic expression that means “people who are sensitive shouldn’t call other people out on things because that kind of behavior will invite people to criticize them,” (which is a lesson that the national media has been trying to teach you, but you don’t need to learn anything because you’re Donald Trump and you already possess a great deal of “intellligence.”) it is a true statement. Like, think about—had Donald Trump, Jr. picked up a rock and thrown it at one of the windows in the Penthouse, he would have destroyed the window! Terrible! Awful! You probably would have killed him! (okay, folks, I’m going to point this out as one of those jokes that’s too true to be funny.)

Glass is too fragile of a building material for anything you make to be built out of it (because buildings should reflect the architect, which yours do, quite literally, but also figuratively, in the sense that Donald Trump is strong and imposing, and therefore his buildings should also be tall and imposing.) And it’s not very secure—you can see everything that goes on behind a glass wall (just like you can see everything that’s going on with someone who has thin skin, not that you would know what that’s like). It might be good for mockery/celebration purposes, in the sense that illegal immigrants, unable to get through, would be forced to stare longingly at the land of opportunity that you have denied them, and thousands of cheering Americans would be able to celebrate—loudly, the American way—the failure and destruction of their hopes and dreams right in front of their faces.

It could be good entertainment, Sir, for you, personally, and for the nation as a whole. Turning that into a reality show might legitimize your Presidency—you are good at needlessly embarrassing people on national television.

Otherwise, glass should be avoided. If an illegal immigrant were to try hard enough, they could probably break through it, using their hard and bony fists that they have used to beat their wives into submission as they were snorting crack. If you turn the Middle East into the world’s largest glass field, it’s possible that you would have enough glass to make a wall that’s thick enough to prevent rocks from incurring any serious damage, but then you would have less glass for the walls of Ivanka’s offices and would have to use normal construction elements, like drywall or cement, and that would prevent you from ogling her while she’s trying to run your company well for you so that you will love her.

No, it’s best to stay away from glass. It’s fragile, it doesn’t reflect the truth of Donald Trump, there’s not enough of it—oh, and it tends to stain in the rain, and we don’t want anything ugly running across the border (unless it’s illegal immigrants, right, because the more illegal immigrants that come over, the more fun you get to have rounding them up. See? Even if you don’t build a wall, you can still benefit from the illegal immigration situation.)

4. Walls are absolutely necessary for civility

This is one that I put a lot of stock in. Say you’re living with a roommate, right, and he or she happens to be a slob. It’s tolerable if there’s a wall in the apartment, because that way the mess can be contained, but take away the wall and what do you have? A fast-moving cold virus, a deadly disease, one apple spoiling the barrel, a fascist destroying a country’s democratic institutions, etc etc. His mess spills over into your side of the room, and, what’s worse, his habits become your habits. Now you’re the messy one! And now you’re chronically frustrated with him or her because god damnit they ruined you, and you’re chronically frustrated with yourself because god damnit you are just a complete and total wreck 24/7 now. Aye aye aye.

The same principal applies to countries that aren’t the United States and Canada. No borders means complete chaos. The world’s a mess now, but it would be even messier if no one had a sense of who belonged where and what belonged to who. You’d have American tourists arguing that they could visit the freakin’ Alps whenever they wanted, without passports, because they’re citizens of the world, the planet belongs to all of us, and all that garbage. No one would have any real bearings.

This is currently the case with the United States and Mexico (and only Mexico). We do not have a strongly enforced border, and this has resulted in the spreading of Mexican culture all across out good land. There are now TV commercials being done in Spanish, for Christ’s sake. No, not okay. Not okay. And, even though, on paper, this means that America is becoming more diverse and that’s a ‘good thing,’ America is really just becoming more and more resentful, because who are a bunch of tan people to tell us how to live our lives? Huh?

If only there was a way we could prevent the Mexican-ization of America! If only there was some way we could stop the immigrants from coming in!

Oh wait...it’s you, Donald! You can stop them! You’ve done a great job so far. By speaking to peoples’ deepest, nastiest feelings about illegal immigrants, you have prepared them to make those feelings a reality in the form of a great border wall that will forever separate them from us. Instead of imploring your supporters to listen to the better angels of their nature, you encouraged them to nourish the little devil that hollows a hole in their hearts, and you let them let it devour their souls.

Good for you! You really know how to get people to do what you want them to do! Your complete lack of concern for how they’re feeling, or how their actions will affect others, or how your own actions are affecting them, will be a huge asset on your quest for power. Just don’t be surprised if you wind up killing thousands of people in the process—that’s generally how people like you stay in power, you have to force people to give it to you because you know there’s no way any sane person would willingly let you rule over them (in the instances where you’ve successfully abused people, you’ve had to convince them they were insane in order to have power over you. It’s why your supporters supported you—you appealed to the most chaotic elements within their psyche, and those chaotic elements overruled their ability to reason! Doesn’t it feel great knowing that you have forced people to love you? Yum.)

5. Walls must never be soundproof

Well, I mean, do I really have to explain this one? It’s thanks to the regular walls in your Penthouse that your children learned what happens to people who are in any way inconvenient to you. You and Ivana did a nice job ramming that one home.

And having a room with a soundproof wall means that there’s a place where people can go to talk about you behind your back, and generally do things that you wouldn’t want them to do, like be happy. You wouldn’t be able to control them, because they would be confident knowing that you wouldn’t be able to eavesdrop on them.

You, Sir, really don’t want the Great Border Wall to be soundproof. How else will the Mexicans on the other side be able to hear the celebrations going on just a few feet away? And how else will the American people be able to hear the pleas of starving families? Moreover, when you start attacking dissident towns, you’re going to want the starving Mexicans to hear just how miserable America has become so that their spirits will be completely crushed, and all attempts to cross the border illegally will come to an end.

There you have it, Sir. I hope that you find my expertise on walls to be instructional. Just have someone read you the most important sound bites, or have someone tweet them to you. Ooh! Even better! While you’re busy bullying Kellyanne Conway for not wearing a push-up bra, make her read parts of the letter on air, or something like that. She’s gotta be good for more than just making you look good to the American people. Give her some policy-making power, and people will stop accusing you of being sexist.

Because that’s how that works! You do something nice, and all of your past transgressions go away.

So after you build the wall, I really hope you’re prepared to pay off the student loans of every college student in America, and to pay the healthcare costs of everyone who just lost their Obamacare coverage. Gotta at least pretend to clean your soul if you want history to smile upon you, Sir.

Adios,

Nicholas