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The Buckeye's Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse

Squad up, bunker down, and get ready to survive the rise of the undead

Kyra Ungerleider

Oct 20, 2015

The Ohio State University

The Buckeye's Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse

artwork by Leah LaFarciola

1. Organize the squad

In the wake of the Zombie Apocalypse, you better team up with the best if you have any chance of survival. Here's the definition of #SquadGoals:

Urban Meyer - He led us to a National Championship with a third string QB...the zombie apocalypse is child's play to him.

ZEKE - When an entire undead hoard is chasing you, just hop on the crop top running machine and he'll carry you to safety just like he carries the football.

Bagpipe Guy - Cause I mean, he's Bagpipe Guy and by definition a bada**.

A frat boy - When a zombie tries to get into your bunker, he'll ask it "Who do you know here?" and won't let it in.

One irrelevant Michigan Fan - Like the saying goes, you don't have to be faster than the zombies, you just have to be faster than the other guy. They'll be the person you have to outrun.

Side tip of who NOT to include:

President Drake - He'll just chill in the corner and you'll forget he's there until he randomly tells you when convocation is.

Dr. Zellmer - No good either. He won't stop giving you suggestions and tips the entire time you're hiding from the zombies.

2. Decide on transportation

Zeke's not going to want to carry you the whole time so look into another form of transportation. Use one of those clown car sized Car2Go's and zip in-and-out of traffic, or you could also make all the zombies jealous and use a SwagWay to escape. Just find an athlete, steal their little hoverboard thingy and you're set.

3. Acquire food

Don't walk, but run to Canes. If all of the workers are now zombies, that means the recipe for Cane's secret sauce might be lost forever so LOAD UP NOW.

4. Stock up on weapons and gear

The time has come for someone to actually go to the Cousin's Army-Navy store. They have a bunch of random stuff from backing gear to knives and an endless supply of hideous camo cargo pants that will make the zombies repulsed enough by your style choices they'll leave you alone.

5. Find your Bunker

Midway is ideal because of the strong cinderblock walls and few windows, plus it's filled with drunken zombie-like people every weekend so the place has already proven its ability to withstand destructive idiots. And let's be real too, if you're facing cannibalistic monsters, you're going to need a little bit of liquid courage and a bar is a good place to find some.

Artwork by Leah LaFarciola.

Now that you have your guide to OSU, be sure to check out Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse in theatres Oct. 30th. To create your own fail badges, watch exclusive video and get tix head to www.ScoutsAndZombiesMovie.com

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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