All my life I have asked the questions, "Why was I born the way I was? Why was I born with a disability?" I have never really found an answer to that question but my life has sort of revolved around it.
I was born with a condition that has a big and complicated name called arthrogryposis. Its basically where my muscles were not fully developed in the womb. When I was in the womb my arm got stuck behind my back and developed that way so when I was born I came out the way I am. After I was born, my grandma had seen me and described that I looked like a baby bird with a broken wing.
This "broken wing" brought me to where I am now.
When I was a child I wanted to give up on trying anything. My disability inhibited me to be normal. My mom wouldn't let me give up. She made me try and try till I found a way and I always would. I found a way and never gave up. But I still wanted to be normal like the other kids. I wanted to play like the normal kids. I wanted to live like the normal kids. But I wasn't a normal kid. I was anything but.
I was different and everyone else knew it. I grew up hearing the question, "Why is your arm like that?" and each time it reminded me of my difference. Throughout elementary school I mostly embraced my disability because although I was asked that question I wasn't treated or looked at much differently. That was a relief but that changed. But the worst years for me were those in middle school.
So I know for most people middle school was the most awkward time of life. So now imagine that awkwardness and add a disability, insecurity and of course wanting to be cool. Hard didn't even begin to describe my life. After 4th grade I moved out of my hometown without my mom, grandma, friends, or anything that I knew. So I was still starting fresh at this point.
When you have a disability you are insecure about everything. I always tried to look normal and like everyone else. I tried hiding my arm in sweatshirts and long sleeves so no one could see. I hated my body. I would've traded anything for a new one. I always hoped that I could get a robot arm because first of all that would be awesome and of course I didn't want my arm anymore.
I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I didn't love the person I saw. In fact, I hoped one day I would look at the mirror and the person I would see would't be me.
This trend continued throughout high school. It got worse though. I felt hopeless and not knowing how I could get through life like everyone else. Little things like driving a car terrified me because I didn't think I could do it. Every aspect of an adult life I didn't think I could do.
My broken wing prevented me from flying out of the nest. Or at least I thought it did. I didn't give up.
Now although I am far from being fully confident, I know no matter what my disability is not what defines me. Christ is and despite my weaknesses He gives me strength. Despite my doubts, He gives me confidence. He made me new not physically but in every other aspect. Now my broken wing is not a weakness but an opportunity to show Christ's strength. He can make a guy like me into something that even I would've never expected ...a youth pastor. Not everything happens for a reason but everything can be redeemed.
